Buying a Stairway to Heaven

2011-10-28T21:42:00.006+08:00

These two videos touched my heart and it made me proud of what and who I have in my life.

I cry and break a little everytime i watch this video. the message is simple and clear and it cuts through the heart. And i cant help but think of my dad. My dad, who is able and strong and keeps getting stronger as he age. My dad, who never stopped providing for us brood of 6, whether financially or emotional support. My dad, who's always in pensive mood, other times he's loud and laughing and talking sensible, sometimes none. My dad, who look after us even if we're all grown up. My dad who never tire himself of understanding each and everyone of us, mostly our mood swings and craziness and pasaway attitudes. My dad, who keeps loving us unconditionally. My dad, who always knows what's the best for us, no matter how hard-headed we could be, he'd be always right in the end. My dad, who's heart breaks a lot more than we know every time we fall, make mistakes, and keeps doing more. His presence alone gave us confidence and his words never missed, it struck us square on the face or for us to contemplate. His strong hands, though may never touch ours, we can feel it's massive support on our backs in everything we do. My dad who always wants the best for us. My dad who's keeping our family together, even though some of us chose different paths and rough road to undertake. Who knows how hard it must be to endure such great pride and heartache as well. I could never imagine having a different dad, except mine.

I love you, daddy. Thank you for loving us perfectly.

I can't believe she's all grown-up. My youngest sister, Xyrene. My sister (hey, we got to admit) whom we all love to hate but still we loved more when she was younger. When she was young, she was a brat, being the first-born of our stepmother and our dad. She gets what she wants, she has all the toys and a TV for herself which forever tuned-in to cartoon network. She gets hotdogs and sunny side-up egg for breakfast, the biggest part of chicken in every meal, sometimes we ate fish and veggies and she'll have chicken legs all by herself and us five would steal a bite or two when she's not looking or even looking and she'd cry for eternity because of that. She will have burger and fries or anything she wants and we hated or, well, envied all the attention she got when she was little. Oh, and wait. There's more. My dad and mom always buys her good clothes and shoes and everything in between. But it's all worth it. She always gets to be the top of her class, always brings home the bacon, and, ah, oh well, all those medals from school, from being good at this and that. We can't even bring her out to play and make lakwatsa because mom would be so protective of her all she has was her books and her TV all day.

But that was all yesterday. She is now far from being brat and became a bit of pasaway like us na. We couldn't get any prouder of her. Now, she's taller than us. She got all these talents that everybody wants to be her friend. She knows how to play guitar (i gave her first guitar as a gift and teached her a bit how to play) and plays even better than me. She knows how to play piano, became a part of a basketball team (well, i also taught her how to play, sorry for being so proud of it), and yes, she can dance. She plays football, rugby, computer games and has the energy of pacman and appetite of a sumo wrestler. Soon she will be a jack-of-all-trades and whatever she does, she makes us proud. She's always curious about something and always wants to learn anything. I love her and we all love her. Sometimes I wish she'll stop growing up. I don't know. For selfish reasons, I just want her to stay that way and never expose herself from anything bad because she's good and I hope, whatever happens, she'll stay that way.

2011-08-06T09:39:00.002+08:00

my blog, i just found out, is already 5 years old. oh, how time flies. i should write something to celebrate for keeping this blog for quite sometime now. i remember just keeping journals that now i cannot find where, haha. i write rubbish, poems, daily rants, and mostly rubbish. here, i guess i write maturely, haha. i don't know. maybe i'd read back what happened on those years and see if i have grown up or i don't know, if i made something significant or whatever. i'll be back after sometime to write something.

People of the Year 2010

2010-12-19T17:19:00.014+08:00

Thank you. Gratitude is the only thing I could say for everything that has happened to me and to the people around me.

This year that has been the longest 12 months of my life, nevertheless, I learned this year that you just have to be patient and not every thing you wished for will be spoon-fed but you actually have to work for it. Even happiness; you need to make your own actions to make yourself happy and other people won't do it for you.

And for these happiness, I thank these people for the overwhelming joy. I wouldn't be where I am if not of you. I'll see you again next year.

My family - I never realized how important that I have my family with me until those moments when I felt I have a ticking time bomb and in just a matter of seconds I'll explode into nothingness. It's in those first glimpse of light when I wake up to their morning sounds; dad getting ready for work, my brother's shoes squeaking on our floor as he walk past our room, sisters taking their turns to shower until the time it's my turn to use it for me to get myself ready for work and then I have to drop them to their schools first. Same goes at night but I never talked to anyone for so long I felt alone most of the time but their sounds-the eerie quietness of our home when they're just too busy in their rooms, the muffled laughter behind the closed doors, the sound of pans and the smell of food, the sound from our TV even though no one is watching - it saved me from my disillusion and made me hold on. If it wasn't of this home that I come to every night I wouldn't really know where I'd be now.

Ruth Anne Cope-Avellano - Once chance to be happy and she followed her heart. There were questions, shadows of doubt, a quiet contradiction, maybe mainly from our dad because of what would future hold for his eldest daughter once she gets married. Whether she knew it or not, my sis and her then-fiance Romeo went through as planned. Then, there they stood in front of the altar, proving no glitch as small as choosing what song to sing on the event or as big as almost not being able to get the bridal gown on time. They have a lifetime to share of true happiness and in a way, I envy my sister for holding it together on those most crucial moments before her wedding and the serenity of her life now as a wife. And, yeah, I can't wait to meet my future godson/daughter because she recently discovered she's pregnant!

Romeo Avellano, Jr. - Who wants a tall, dark, and handsome prince when you can just settle for a God-centered gentleman who would stick with you, prove his worth, sweat it all out, and would turn his pocket inside out, not to give you the world, but to as if magically turn even the impossible thing around. I would never trust my sister's life to anyone else but to him who has been a brother to me since way back. A multi-tasking man but always puts God and his family first. He never gave up even in those nerve-wracking hours before the wedding and exhausted he may have been, he stood there before the altar, waited for my sister's hand from my dad's. Nothing would break this man. I honestly doubted him for a minute for my sister's sake but he's a man of his words. A good man at heart that's why blessings never stop coming his way. If I could just say this, bro, - yo da man!!!

♥ My sweetest downfall. The reason of all the reasons and the answers to all my questions. The very vein that keeps the flood flowing and my lifeline in those dying seconds of my life. The smile on my face, the vision that keeps me sane. You made me forget to hate, and who you are makes me forget all the hurt and forgave those I hate. How can I write love without mentioning your name? How can I describe these persistent throb of my heart against the cage of my chest when every time I look at you I'd be out of words to say? You are beautiful beyond imaginable and how you treat me sometimes makes me feel like I don't deserve you because you're perfect in every way I can think of. I cannot promise heaven on earth. I got mountain of faults that will eventually bruise or break your heart. I bet you got yourself some imperfections but I promise to love them as much as I love you.

Leah Acap - Sometimes you cannot judge a person just by looking at them. You won't see the contents of their heart or the depth of their minds just by sharing a coffee with them on a given weekend of bonding. Even decades of friendship wouldn't actually give you a single hint of how tough or how vulnerable a friend can be. Most of the time, it is that one moment - one heartbreak or one tragedy could really define the person you spent most of your life hanging out with. She's always the force to reckon in our barkada and I always look up to her and when her only daughter Leila died because of dengue, Leah kept it together even though she's a wreck inside. Her laugh is contagious but every heave of laughter breaks her heart. I know and we all know Lei is strong than she actually knows. Her daughter Leila is now an angel and an angel to always keep her strong. I wouldn't know how she actually feels but I believe she's got what it takes to keep herself standing. One's strength can also be one's only source of weakness but Leah taught us that same weakness can be the source of your own stability all the same as it break you.

Angelo Rulloda - a constant friend. Nothing you do would make you less a friend to him. He'd always be there for you no matter what. He can judge you by your mistakes or your flaws but you'll never be less of a friend to him. Once you became part of his life, nothing's gonna change that- even distance or lack of communication. He's my definition of a friend until the end. He's been the rock that kept me standing. Thank you for always being there for me. You saved me from myself.

Cherry Dancel - the best friend I thought I've lost a long time ago. I met her and befriended her in our sophomore year in high school but an unexpected rift that abruptly put a strain on our friendship and, for a while I felt like I'm on my last straw of chasing her to win her back because that kind of friendship cannot just go to waste. Well, I realized I never really lost her. We got reacquainted this year and everything that happened in the past was just part of the story that just harnessed our friendship, together or apart.

Jourjine Vivit - the childhood friend-bestfriend-sister-neighbor i got reacquainted this year through Facebook. We literally grew up together and those were the days when we head the 'gangsters' on the street we live in. We lost touch when hormones started to 'kick in' and the rest is history. But then again, we found friend once again and reminisced those days and I just loved talking to her, even just on exchange emails. I never realized how much I missed her friendship until I talked to her again.

I have a long list of people that made impact on my life this year and I would mention them all here...

Rochelle Garcia - your strength never falter, with or without cancer.
Kembelar girls (Danel, Tinay, Cherry, Jacq, Rox, Loi, Leah, Utel) - my crazy friends who's been with me since high school. You guys are incredible.
Ching Acap - a sister I would love to have.
Kristel Satumbaga - my pare, with or without kape
Garcia Family - my home away from home

Thank you all for making a difference in my life this year.

Planning a Future

2010-12-15T09:50:00.000+08:00

According to Wikipedia, "The future is the indefinite time period after the present. Whether it's less than a millisecond away or a billion years, its arrival is considered inevitable due to the existence of time and the laws of physics. Due to the nature of the reality and the unavoidability of the future, everything that currently exists and will exist are temporary and will come to an end."

Funny when at one point of our lives we try to build a future for ourselves. Just for you, no one else. You plan to take a cruise, travel the world, or plan be a chef even though all you could ever do is mess up the kitchen and end up burning the whole house. You plan to build a home somewhere near the beach, or just do the bloody thing you’d want to be because who the heck knows you might be alone for the rest of your life and no one else matters except you and that future you plan to build.

Or for others, they build a future in their mind so vast it doesn't really matter if they plan for themselves because what matters is a good future plan for their family, or their daughter, their son, parents, their lover, or even just for their dogs. We all build, at a certain point of time, a blueprint-like future on the walls of our heads and veins of our hearts hoping one day that future comes to life, or that future can be now and we’d look back and thank ourselves for planning ahead.

But really, why plan when in just one split of a second, one moment, that tiny crack of time, could erase and change everything?

A break-up could shatter one’s world because you already plan a future so bright with that lover. A tragedy that could break one’s heart into a tiny million pieces its beyond repair. A trip somewhere and an unforeseen event could momentarily, or permanently, put every thing on hold. A kiss that lasted a few seconds but at the back of your mind, you’re already planning what to tell to your friends only to be fooled a minute after. And that fleeting gaze from someone that would erase all those plans you made just for yourself and sharing your world with another soul could be a better future plan.

So, really, what does the future holds for you, for me, for all of us?

Why plan a future when in reality, it doesn't exist?

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - unknown

Dear God,

2010-11-25T19:34:00.004+08:00

Four months ago. Yeah. How time flies and how it seems obscure to me that some four months ago, all I could ever feel was dying. All it felt like was drowning in my own tears that never came, tiny problems that quietly chokes the air out of me, and every morning I open my eyes, the breaths I take in was like a stab in the chest and I'd yell at you inside my head and ask you why do you still keep waking me up when all I really wanted was to at least die in my sleep if you can't take my life right before my very eyes.

It felt like years ago when I dared you to take me, release me from this misery. I guess that's how human cope with their problem, or should I say, that's how they deal with their miserable lives - they turn to their gods and blame them of what they've been going through and at the end, they insist, on bended knee and in between sobs, to take their lives for it won't matter if they will live in it miserably.

I am sorry for I got angry at you because I was too blinded by those pitfalls that's all too cliche because it would make us realize it's just one of your set-up obstacles to teach us something in the end. But then again, for me, you were just a heartless puppeteer - enjoying the movement of those fingers where my dear life hangs by a thread and they seem to lead me towards the torrent of godforsaken place where my limp self couldn't even go any further. Oh, but there you were, the ever commanding chief, guiding me into darkness.

So, now, here we are. Me writing to you another aimless letter you probably won't read for there are thousands of prayers, emails, or even text messages sent your way that's more or less would need an immediate attention or something. Or if you would, you're probably laugh your arse off, not because you find me funny (although that's what i'm trying to be, or that's how you actually made me), but you're laughing your heart out coz you always knew better. You'd probably say, "I told you so. Just stay tough because something better will always come out of something." Yeah, something like that.

Who knew, right? I mean, not all human are made to understand every thing that you put them through. Some would choose to end their lives without even blinking the moment they feel the torture of just being alive. Some would wait until that last trigger of loneliness before they finally had the courage to press down and drag that blade across their wrists, or swallow heaps of sleeping pills or any drug they think that would numb the pain until sleep takes them into that eternal rest. While some wait, others, well, waited more. Thank you because you gave me that last thread of hope, a last inch of patience, even though I was on that very edge of a cliff, ready to jump off into the unknown abyss that would stop all these shit only humans dare to suffer.

What more can I say now? With all my heart (you can also include my liver, lungs, intestines and my reproductive system ), I am thanking you. I thank you for these overwhelming happiness I feel right now. I thank you for the love I feel everywhere around me, especially, from those people you surrounded me with. I thank you for that person you used to hide me from but who has now giving me that love I think I deserved all these time. I thank you for you lead me into darkness to only guide me through a brighter side of day. Thank you for all those smiles and laughs from the crazy friends you gave me because they've strengthen me to the core and seeing them and spending time with them made me feel I have million of reasons to live this life for a million days more. Thank you for the family I come home to every single day. Without them, where would I be? I can't imagine a life without my sisters who are all silly and makes me laugh even more from my own jokes, my brother who's the very definition of a big brother would be, and my dad who's the force that bind us all.

I have so much to thank you but I give you the biggest appreciation for you gave me the best ever gift in my life - my luv.

They say when you think you have enough, appreciate the blessing and don't be too greedy to ask for more. But while I do appreciate what you've given me, well, I am still gonna ask you for a few more things before we wrap this up and enjoy these second life you gave me.

I am asking you for a bigger heart. A bigger heart so I'd have space for some more happiness and love, and some pain and all the works. What I feel right now is too overwhelming, it feels like my heart's gonna burst out of my chest every time it thumps from joy, love, happiness, and of course, from pain. A bigger heart won't hurt, coz a bigger one could accommodate some more, a bigger one to give some more. A bigger heart that would just beat for love, that just would love and love, and would bleed some more love even though pain is the closest thing next to breathing.

I will ask you for patience. A longer, enduring patience that will understand things, people, their feelings, their moods, their needs. A patience that would help me understand them as much as I wanted to be understood myself. A patience that would make me understand my boss, my staff, my family, the incoming mood swings that threatens to come in between me and my luv since we're too far away from each other and there's no way I would be able to hold those hands when the time comes that I have to. A patience that will keep my feet on the ground, my heart kept in place, and a mind that will wonder to so many places but when the time is right, I will go wherever my heart brings me.

I ask you for strength, wisdom, and stability for the future obstacles again that never seem to give way for a smooth drive.

That would be all for now.

Again, thank you. You are one funny guy up there somewhere. You kept surprising me. Thank you for this wonderful, worth-the-wait surprise. Yo da man!

Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from you ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.

- Gerard Way

Last letter to God

2010-07-04T19:23:00.001+08:00

Why won’t you let me die?
I’m tired. I’m lonelly. What’s the use of living each boring days of this life when I hate every single minute I’m alive? Just take me. I’ve been bad my whole life and taking me could at least make this world a better place. What’s the use of keeping me here? You’ve already taken the only thing that keeps me alive almost two years ago. Well, one of the many things but the only person that makes up my everything. It’s the only lifeline I had before and you’ve taken it. Well, of course I’ve got my wonderful family and friends, but that was different. Now, after everthing, why am I still here? I don’t think I’m still here for a reason. I’m tired. Already. Tired of waiting for nothing. Nothing’s happening in my life anymore. I don’t even know what I want and I don’t want to anticipate anymore if there’s any value in this. I don’t intend to wait for whatever something surprise you got in your sleeves for me and have me realize to continue living a life that i can’t even call a life anymore. I’m a dead man walking, waiting for the world to stop revolving. You’ve sent me to a far flung country to be alone, helpless as if to really rub it in that I deserve to be alone. Right?
So, why don’t you take me? I’m not insisting. I am just tired of waiting.
I got a lump the size of a marble just at the left side of my breast, below my armpit. Sometimes, I’d wish it’s something deadly, cancerous. I just can’t wait for my exit from this world.
Yeah, I know. You decide when you’re tired playing like a puppeteer. Like a snap, You’re the one when to decide when it’s time. You hold the key. You have the button right there under your thumb, waiting perpetually, until you’ve think I’ve suffered enough and you’d push the button and end my life.

I dare you.

Every second is a borrowed time

2010-05-24T15:56:00.003+08:00

I need to write something. Well, about something. But I don't know what is it. I mean, what and where they are. I am just staring at this blinking cursor, as if telling me to start typing. Time is running out. Type. Something. Now.

I'm scared of something. Scared of something I don't know but should do something about. I'm scared of this lump I have on the right side of my breast. I'm scared because my university application might not get through. I'm scared that I may not be able to enjoy my life because I have too much obligation in my family. I am scared because my future is so dim I can't see if something good will come up after today. I'm scared I might lose all my friends one day. I'm scared shit of every thing.

Whoever said life is short is already dead. I ain't dead. I breathe life every single day and I don't use as much as I should with the life I have. I never take risks the way I used to. I just watch the minutes, the hours pass like a blur and the next thing I know, I am doing the very same thing I did from any given day. I'm fucked. And I'm 27 years old. Time is running out.

Live your life. Don't wait for another tomorrow to make it better. The time is now.

I don't make my momma proud

2010-04-29T15:03:00.002+08:00

"To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in it's perfect power."

As strong as a hurricane, as destructive as a perfect storm, that was how I saw my mom.

My mom used to beat the shit out of me. God knows how much blows I had to endure during those years when my body was all too fragile to even take a simple slap.

I grew up fearing nothing but my mom. She passed away when I was in third grade.

I am now 27 years old. Looking back since she was gone, I've done a lot of things I am not proud of, and of course, things I know my mom would never be proud of.

Thinking about them makes me realize that I did deserved those beatings I had when I was little. Just when I thought I could have died because of too much suffering I had during those years, looking how I've become today, every stab, every bruise, every cut, every drop of blood I had when I was young from the hands of my mom, was all I deserved since she won't be around to kill me today for every shameful person I've become.

Every time I chance upon any photo of her (which is not a lot) scares the shit out of me because looking at them, even in a faded snapshot, makes me feel guilty as hell. I now realized that whatever mom did to me when I was young was for me to get my acts together when I get older.

Whatever you did when I was young was a way of punishing me for my future stupidity because you will be nowhere around to cut my hands when I steal, tie me with rope upside down when go somewhere I am told not to, not feed me anything if I try to eat too much of what I am allowed to, and just let me stay in shadows since you will be too ashamed to let anyone know I am your daughter.

Now I know.

You knew all along what I would become one day.

Mom. I am sorry. I hated you because of what you did to me before. Now, I don't know if I still have a reason to continue hating what you did to me.

I don't know if I make you proud. I used to think that I do. Maybe, someday, I'd find a way to make you proud of me.

Nevertheless, Mother's Day won't be the same without remembering you.

wandering wanderer

2010-04-18T19:05:00.002+08:00

I am such a wanderlust that I eventually wandered here.
For moonstar.

See you there.

I love you, simple as that

2010-02-27T16:38:00.004+08:00

It's a good feeling not asking myself the dreaded question of what if. I had the chance. I took it. Now, moving on...

But there was a time when I thought it was all pointless. You once asked me, "What's the point of keep saying it when I already know?" That's when that what if question came to me again.

What if I just stop. Well, it could mean to just let my heart stop beating but I might as well try. What if, nothing? What if I never felt a thing?

So, one day, I stopped trying to feel it. Maybe it was just all in the mind. I told myself, "Oh, yeah. What's the bloody point?" Even if I have this feeling that's been chocking me up all these years and finally had the chance of telling you, now what?

What's the point of waking up each and every morning and thinking of you? What's the point of trying hard to be a Shakespeare or nothing even close to it and coming up with those jumbled, edited, whatever-I-could- come-up love phrase? They are just words, are they not? They could mean a hell lot to me, but does it mean something to you? What's the point of trying to find the right words to say? Will there ever be a right word to say?

What's the point of looking at your photographs when all I could see is a frozen part of time? A time stood still, a smile that's quite a sight, a face that would always make my heart melt and that wrinkle your nose make when you pose for a smile that breaks my heart into pieces but could heal it all at the same time? What's the point of looking through a shadow of yesterday? Trying to feel the breeze that had passed, a chill that has long gone? That shiny hair I longed to touch. That's all I have. A picture of what it was. A photo of someone I could never have.

And then one day, all I read between those lines you left me, and it simply says you missed me.

I realized that the point of everything is having this feeling for you but still staying friends with you.

You've been good to me since I told you and nothing has changed. You never judged me. Well, at least I believe you didn't. I guess you took all the compliments of those loving words without pre-judging who it came from. I felt you appreciate all those words I could come up to because that's all I have, that's all I could give and my only way of showing you. It's the only way I know how to knock on the doors of your heart. The point is, you've been damn good to me I could never stop falling in love with you all over again.

solitary pursuits

2010-02-26T19:06:00.001+08:00

nobody is too young for cancer. but, dammit! why my friend? at first it was ovarian. now, a possibilty of bone cancer. i could curse all day.

The Love Letter

2010-02-24T15:47:00.008+08:00

Dearest,

"Do you know how in love with you I am?

Did I trip? Did I stumble? Loose my balance? Graze my knee? Graze my heart?

I know I'm in love when I see you. I know when I long to see you. I'm on fire.

Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still.

I have fallen in love without taking a step.

You are all wrong for me and I know it. But I no longer care for my thoughts unless they're thoughts of you.

When I'm close to you, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you sometimes, then, I look back.

When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night without you, I remain."

Yours,

This is an emergency

2010-02-09T16:50:00.003+08:00

I just don't know what to write.

I feel bad about myself lately.

Perfect life, jeez, where can you get that? Every single soul on this bloody earth has their own crisis, their own drama, their own fucking issues. But why the hell I feel like I'm alone when I'm with my family? Why do I feel like it's the heaviest weight I ever have? Why I can't feel ok when all I try is to feel like one every single day? What the heck is wrong with me?

Sometimes I imagine I'd be sitting on the beach getting high with alcohol, drugs, or just smoke whatever I got and then drive home and since I'd be high I'm gonna hit that tree or crash head on against a truck or any oncoming car or I'd swerve out of control and my car would drop off a cliff or something.

Sometimes I'd rather not go to sleep or wake up.

I'm suicidal.

It's a term I'd rather not use but it's how I feel.

writer at heart

2010-01-31T16:36:00.000+08:00

i write with my heart. ♥

i use it like a pen, its every throb forms every word it felt.

Moonstar,

2010-01-22T17:16:00.002+08:00

I think of you in every single second of each day.

You are the first thing on my mind the moment I open my eyes on the first glimpse of morning light. Or when I wake up from a dream in the middle of the night.

I smile at the thought of you when I take my breakfast. And when I go down to the garage, when I start the engine... when I drive down to work up to the moment I parked my car and walk down to the store where I work.

I imagine your smile the minute I start working and that irresitable curve of your lips will be the only thing on my mind all throughout the day.

I think of you when I look up to the vast, cloudless sky. It's as if your whisper I hear when I sit by the beach. I always see your face everytime someone or something makes me smile. And when the wind blows and give me chills, I remember the warmth of your fingers when it touched mine and I'd be fine.

The summer breeze and the beauty of each sunrise... I could never think of anything else but to compare it to the radiance of your cheeks, your genuine smile, your childlike laugh.

I think of you when I see beautiful things.

And you're still on my mind when I'm lonely, when I feel empty. But the funny thing is, when I'm sad, I used to just sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself and cry. But now, when I think of it, ever since I told you my long-held love for you, that emptiness I feel ceases the moment I start to feel it. You make me happy. Your smile alone could melt all the sadness I feel. Your friendship gives me the courage to move on, get on with my life, never be bothered of anything that makes me feel sad.

And if my thoughts would be a flower every time I think of you, I'd be walking on earth of beautiful blooms until I find that path that leads to you.

2010-01-19T19:12:00.001+08:00

i find myself holding my breath every time I see on my YM window "(your name) is typing..."

New Year's resolution 2 - help a friend

2010-01-19T13:49:00.003+08:00

Feels good having to help a friend.

Cancer is a killer and I don't want to just sit here and wait till it slowly eats her system. She's been through chemotherapy before and after 2 years, the doctor said she's alright. But after another couple of years another tumor's building up and it may lead to another hell of chemotherapy.

Let's hope the doctor's findings this time would not lead to that hell again.

2010-01-18T18:09:00.000+08:00

I know you are out there.

Find me.

I'll be waiting.

Isn't it ironic

2010-01-16T18:05:00.003+08:00

While you are busy loving someone else, someone is busy loving you as well. While the one you love is ignoring you, you are ignoring the one who loves you.

This... is the irony I am into.

Which one to choose?

New Year's Resolution: to love but to forgive first

2010-01-14T17:08:00.003+08:00

I didn't know I had a new year's resolution until I've forgiven the people who broke my heart, and forgiving myself at the same time.

To love is to let go of any hate you have inside. You couldn't say you've finally moved on and is telling I love you's to someone new when all the while there's pain etched on your heart and hate in your vain that could explode anytime when triggered.

To love is to be happy. To love is to let go. To let go is to hang on to love and memories, not hate and grudge.

It felt good.

Blushing

2010-01-12T19:53:00.003+08:00

Dear moonstar,

Oh. My. Gosh. You told me the usual compliments I get from my friends. This time, I believed it true. Coz it came from you.

Damn, I wish I could be with you. Right now.

I'm crazy for you.

Mom got some message for me to decipher

2010-01-12T14:01:00.003+08:00

I had the weirdest dream. Ever.

In my dream, my mom was alive. She's been alive all these time. She said she was just few miles away from our home and all it would take to reach her was to ride three buses. She was so excited to see me and hugged me. I couldn't believe my eyes. I hugged her back, and held on for quite sometime to really feel if it's her. She's a bit bony on the shoulder and her skin colour had become a bit dark but it was really her. The eyes, the curly hair, the voice-although it was the sweetest voice of her this time, not the scary one I used to hear when I was a child.

She was so happy I've grown up and she gave me a mobile phone so I could communicate with her. She's done most of the talking I couldn't get my turn to ask questions about the past- How and why everything happened and why she chose to pretend she was dead but all the while was just a stone throw away and just looking after us?

There was too many questions to ask. Only, I had to wake up.

I want to know what L-O-V-E is

2010-01-07T17:39:00.002+08:00

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
Abraham Cowley

Love. What is it? What's in it that, they say, could make the world go round? Why does it feels like your heart would skip a beat whenever the object of you emotions comes to mind? Why do you feel butterflies on your stomach whenever that someone is near you? Why can't u find the right words to say when asked about your feelings? Why are u having sleepless nights because of it? Why appetite seems impossible and a single memory with that person is enough to make you heart and mind bloated with joy? Do you know when u should stop loving? Do u really need to love the person who will never love u back the way u wanted them to? Will u ever find the courage to stop the feeling that seems to feed on your mind, making it impossible to go on your day and nothing seems to be in the right place but beside that person? How will u know if it's love or just plain infatuation? Could u really say you are in love when u can't find strenght anymore to face the day ahead of you and all u wanted to do is just lie down in bed, lost in trance, or pretend to sleep but mind would be busy imagining that certain crease of smile from someone that melts you like ice? Or when u drift off to sleep, u dream of that someone but making it more painful on your heart when u have to wake up, sleeping forever is an option just to have that dream? how do u free yourself from such illusion called love? Unrequited love, that is.

"... for love is measured by fullness, not by reception."
Harold Lokes

2010-01-05T19:25:00.003+08:00

What other ways to brave the new year ahead of me is to post new things to anticipate in the coming days of 2010.

Oh, boy.

What to expect, then?

Honestly, I can't think of any. I don't even have any anticipation for the coming days. All I know is that I'm damn sad since I came back here. All I had was happy memories. Memories I'd rather make every day instead of playing it over and over on my mind.

I miss home.

And I miss you.

When will I hold you in my arms again?
What good does it do to anticipate anything when all I feel is dying.
I miss you.

2009 People Of the Year

2009-12-29T16:32:00.004+08:00

The year is almost over. But before I face another year of my life, let me look back and thank the people who made my 2009 a blast (wow!). The world keeps changing, thank God. I wasn't stuck anymore in some sinking ship I thought I'd drown before the clock strikes to another year. I made it through, clawing my way into the tidal waves of misery. Every year has always been a different story. I could fairly say that this year were better than the other. Although there were times I'd complain endlessly-why this, why that, and of all people, why me?-in the end I got these wonderful people who never complained about my incessant drama but listened, smiled, patted me on my back, and continue to be my friend 'til the end.

To you guys, I owe you big time.

These are my 2009 People Of the Year:

My one, big, happy family - If I could summarize happiness in one simple word, it would be my family. They are my heartbeat, the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I smile and laugh my arse off. I wouldn't be what I am without them.

Angelo - My bes. Distance only made our bond stronger. He's always there and makes sure we end the conversation with me feeling fine, nothing to worry about. He made me feel special more than ever. I love him and he's the best I could ask for.

Sheryl - She inspired me to love again. When our world shattered at the same time, I held her hand and never let go until she find the meaning of love again. And she did. Too bad I wasn't there to see her walk down the isle towards her lifetime happiness.

Jack - Jack n' Jill (Chippy?). Queen of Jack (pusoy). Rose of Jack (Titanic?). Call him by those names but he ain't never gonna be happy unless it's my name next to his. Thank you for making me feel special and loved. Trust is one rare commodity between us after what we've been through in the past. Maybe it's one of the few reasons it didn't worked out but thank you for the breeze of love you made me feel.

The Coloma-Eco family - My favorite family outside mine. A long-lost childhood friend I managed to meet again online. Since then, Nikole has always been a constant friend as if we grew up together and never parted. Our chats/exchange of emails was one thing to look forward to and most of all, her adorable family inspires me to have my own. Someday, I hope, I'd get the chance to meet the clan.

Malou - The person who would tell straight to my face all the unnecessary bullshit I shouldn't feel and keeps reminding me that running from the stinging effects of it wouldn't set me free from the painful truth. Her words were like 10 slaps across my face, though it didn't hurt, they woke me up just in time.

Rosalie- The cause of my migraine. Haha! Nah. She's cool. Ever since I met her I've been telling her how special she is for me. These days, she's the reason behind my smiles, the reason I keep singing happy songs and the reason I am looking forward for my next trip back home.

Malor I wouldn't pass the chance see her walk down the isle. She's the best friend I had since high school and her happiness would also be mine. When I saw how happy she was on her wedding day, I can't help but weep tears of joy for her. It was worth coming come.

Kristel - The orig parekoy. We lost touch for quite sometime but we get back on track before the year ends. We didn't get to sit down over a cup of tea while I was back home, but those few hours I spent with her were enough to last for another year or two before I'd see her again.

And for these few people worth mentioning: Cherry Dancel, Danelle Loyaga, Jacqueline Coker, Kristina Salazar, Roxanne Fajardo, Leah Acap, Rochelle Garcia, the IV-Sidon group, Reuben Terrado, Ria Abanto, Glaiza Veluz, Girlie Turno, Jasmine Payo, Joey Villar, Julie Flores, my boss, Junaid Rupani, Shejad Prasla, and Shobna Lata... Thank you, guys.

15 days to go

2009-11-25T15:11:00.000+08:00

I'm having sleepless nights. Ugh!

I have dark circles around my eyes I look like a raccoon. I am managing two stores at the same time and heaps of paper works every damn day. I thought I will be all fired up by the time I travel back home and to top that, even the day before my flight I have to work late and travel early the next day.

My day starts @ 5:30 in the morning till 5:30 in the afternoon. Whew! As if my boss is paying me those extra hours. In my dreams!

Oh, well. I have the end of the day to look forward to. Or maybe not. Jack have his own schedule of work so I couldn't talk to him much. By the time he's available, I'd be really sleepy. So much for waiting I had to stay up late. Just I am now.

I need to plan my short stay back home but the excitement is taking over me I have yet to pack things and list down what to bring back and all those things. Ugh! So much for a Christmas vacation. I need some rest, really.

This is It

2009-11-05T16:49:00.002+08:00

I'm still high after watching Michael Jackson's This Is It movie with Matthew this afternoon. It was like W-O-W! I can't even put it into words. All I know is that I was always on the verge of tears all throughout the movie that highlights the behind-the-scenes documentary of his rehearsal weeks before his scheduled London concerts. Anyway, I'm not a good movie critic and couldn't give a far better review like every one else but I'd like to share what I wrote after learning of his sudden demise some few months ago.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Remember the Time'

Yes. I remember it very well.

I remember the obsession of wearing white gloves on my right hand. The effort I made perfecting my moonwalk on our tiled-toilet floor. I remember trying to do the spin move but always end up banging myself somewhere hard or pointed corners.

I wasn't even born when he and his brothers rocked the music world during the 70's, nor I was aware that he conquered the music and millions of fans around the world when he'd gone solo by early 80's but the moment I heard and start seeing him on television, I remember imitating every Michael Jackson move I could master.

I fancy him from how he wore his black fedora low to cover one side of his face, to how silly but good it felt doing the grab-the-crotch move then shout at the top of my lungs like what he does in his music videos. Up to that dance-like-a-zombie MJ style that I enjoyed so much I never thought zombie could dance that good with the King of Pop leading every step.

‘Ben’

How cute it was to watch that 13-year old Afro-haired Michael Jackson, who wore this yellow tie to complement his orange suit, serenading someone named Ben. Since I heard that song, I felt someone out there could also be my Ben. Or how I wished I was Ben and MJ would be my best friend. It felt so right as if every words of his song was directed to me. That it doesn’t matter if people never liked me and all those bad things anyone would say against me because I got MJ who believes in me. That I don’t have to look that far because all the while, he was just there beside me.

‘Beat It’

I never understood then what this song was all about but, heck! I felt like dancing my ass around the house or getting myself into trouble. The tempo was so right it felt like it’s just fair to beat someone. I never backed down from any fistfights and little did they know I always have MJ singing inside my head singing ‘Beat It’ over and over every time trouble finds me.

"I just can't stop loving you"

It seems to me that wherever Michael Jackson goes, he's like a god of some sort. Either the throng of fans cry their hearts out when they hear even a single word like 'Hello,' 'I Love You,' or 'God Bless You,' or one line from his songs. People would be shouting at the top of their lungs until there won't be any voice left. Or they'd just faint dead if he'd moon-walk. He got this something that will make you lost in trance and you'd just be too amazed to speak any word while he performs and for a moment or two, for all you know, you feel like crying too, even if you're just watching him on television.

‘Bad’

Ever since the allegations of child molestation came to surface, I didn’t really know who to believe in. He became the joke of the town. He was the topic everywhere. I read everything that is not the MJ I knew before. I never read anything about how great performer he was. All I read was he’s a molester and his Neverland ranch was not a place to be for the young boys. There are some articles confirming his sexual eccentricities, based on scientific evidence and other stuffs I could barely dig in. Some are just smack-to-the-face injustice that further degrade his personality and people started to forget his musical genius. But all the while every body had their chance to ridicule him, he remained as he was. While media kept the hype about his personal life, he continued to make music. He continued to be a father to his children. He chose to stay close to that elusive quiet life that we never gave him until the very last minute of his existence.

‘Earth Song’

I was at work at the time MJ was pronounced dead somewhere in L.A. hospital. I was too busy working when I heard this song playing over the radio and how I felt like crying for how poignant it was to hear the earth actually cry for help through MJ's voice. Not until it was played like four-times over the radio that I realized the icon behind the song has passed away.

‘Heal the World’

Love him or hate him, I believe Michael Jackson made this a better world through his music. His music paved a way to break that invisible barrier that divides this nation. His accounts of what truly happens between you and me and the rest of the world through his music woke us from a deep slumber and realize that all we need to do first is to look at that ‘Man in the Mirror‘ to make it right. Never mind his eccentricities over the last few years or the media ridiculing him every chance they can get, his message has always been clear: a better place could start within us before we can heal the world. He never lead a perfect life but he made an example to make a change. I hope that’s what we all remember of him. For me, he’s the best thing that happened in the last 50 years. He is the epitome of what an artist should be.

‘Gone Too Soon’
The king is dead. But the legacy he left will forever go down from generation to the next. The thrill you feel every time he performs will linger. The number of fans will forever grow. His music will always be played in our minds. The change he wanted will be continued by his children and millions of followers. He died but in our hearts, he'll always be there.

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” - Michael Jackson

to be continued...

2009-10-28T18:24:00.003+08:00

"the right time and at the right place, again, we'll be together"

Funny, she thought, how you read old letters from way back. They give you different meaning when you re-read them. Only, even if it's a hundredth time you read them, it gives you the same feeling. You see a different, even more confusing meaning but nevertheless, it gives you the same sting on your chest. Some promises were made and most of them were broken into a million pieces together with your heart.

She almost cried, felt like she's transported back in time. The heart that never healed thumped against her ribs and each words were like shards of glass, bleeding her ever bruised heart.

what i've always wanted for Xmas

2009-10-27T03:01:00.001+08:00

is this...

unloading a burden

2009-10-23T16:31:00.003+08:00

i wonder where they are right now. i wonder if they will be recycled into something. or if someone had picked them up and read them all, as if to understand the inked words written from across the world to reach the heart of the one she loved before. i wonder if someone will recognize those faces who seemed inseparable at the time those photos were taken. i wonder, oh, i wonder.

No more Erap jokes, pls

2009-10-22T16:41:00.000+08:00

This was written few years back in the heat of the last Philippine elections. I am re posting it after knowing that there is a brewing comeback of a former deposed president who's not even a pending case or rotting kneecaps would stop him for running for another position. Pardon most of the language. I was irked at the time this was written. I wouldn't know if this would help us choose who will we write on that precious little paper by the time election comes again. But it has the same question and we still have some time to think about: who will it be? who will you vote for?
---

THE atmosphere of Philippine elections is some 60 days away. It's almost suffocating that everywhere you turn your head a face of a political (local or national office) aspirant is pasted on the walls, or the streamers of former and seeking for re-election senators is above you or fighting its 'advertisement' space on the overpass where people passing it hardly notice. And when you turn on your television, never a thirty-minute watching the tube went without those annoying jingles drumming up our eardrums just to keep the voting public to remember who to write on those precious ballot papers.

And how about those celebrities, who we watched from almost more than 50 movies and TV shows, suddenly shifts seats, from a popcorn/comedy star into more serious role by vying a public position such as senator, congressman, city/town mayors and for-god's-sakes-i-should-not-mention-any-of-it?

For those shitholes stars, whom we watch most in the movies and act like lords and bigots, can they, too, save us from distress and deprivations? But wait, what do they know? What if they win, can they pencil a law that would further help our country, especially the needy ones? Or just like others they will just sit there in the senate or wherever public seats they occupy signing autographs and posing for a picture much as they did most of their careers?

The Philippine election comes every four years for highest office and every three years for the local and national and this is where the country's public bets, whom we heard or not, seen or not, young and old local inhabitants or citizens who thinks have the qualification to run or vye for a public office, get together and state what they have in their agendas and promise a better future for each and every one of us and use their gift of persuasion for us to elect them in the coming election.

I understand if a former senator or mayor or congressman seeks another term or re-election. We've seen them. Might have proved their dues and we can't blame if the number of them wants more tenure to better serve the public.

But to see an actor or two trying to ease their way to the mass public telling us they can make a change but not really allowing us to see their platforms or what knowledge they have for the country. Why do we allow such people to manipulate our way of thinking, or reflect our choice of bets when all they do is use their charisma to win a position in a government and have yet an experience for such task?

They might have not learned something from what happened some five or six years ago when a former action star turned President of the Philippines was ousted from his seat by a powerful public uprising indicating his lack of knowledge of running the country, and some case of corruption, et al.

Many celebrities have a high name recognition because we see them everyday, if not always, on television or advertisement and they can spend less time preaching what do they know or what they can do because they can assume we already know them.

But if we really care for our poverty stricken country, we should know, or at least be aware of whom we vote for and who we give our future to. They, the so-called entertainers, have built their circus act on television. We've seen enough of them and let's not let them cause another uprising because of another reason of lack of acumen. They are popular but that doesn't mean they have the specifics of becoming a good, if not the great, leader we always aim for. It's not them who pay the price. We are the one who suffer if they fail. We lose. And yet we point our fingers to them when we were really the ones to blame because we voted for them.

But we cannot accept defeat every time an actor-turned-politician ends his term with so much garbage left behind. Let's make the right choice. Exercise our right of suffrage carefully, not carelessly. Actors are enjoyable to watch. But to see them be one of the reason the Republic fails, there can never be a better place but the role they portrayed on the television.

ifoundmysoulmatepartII

2009-10-20T16:46:00.005+08:00

It's so touching, really. Someone had read my entry about how I found my soulmate and he left me a link about a short, simple, yet very powerful narration about how she met and realized who her soulmate was. And I have to edit that last entry for I felt I needed to say a few more lines to justify my point about that someone we've been waiting to come into our lives.

2009-10-13T17:13:00.002+08:00

I tried to find solace in a neverland only to keep coming back from where it all started. I kept telling myself I'm alright but still busy licking my wounds that might never heal. I kept telling the whole world to hell with them but deep inside, nothing could ever change my feelings.

So, what the hell?! No use flying to neverland only to flutter by to where I needed to land. This is where my heart truly belongs. And I could write whatever I want to. This is home.

I found my Soulmate

2009-10-13T04:21:00.004+08:00

‘…at least once in every incarnation, the Soulmate who is sure to cross our path. Even if it is only for a matter of moments, because those moments bring with them a Love so intense that it justifies the rest of our days.’

I almost choked myself with my own tears after reading this. I had to re-read it over and over again and it just felt the same. I do believe in soulmates and if I were to believe Paulo Coelho’s words, I could fairly say I did met my other half not too long ago. It was a brief encounter that would last me a lifetime. And if someone would ask me if I would risk the same heartache and all that crap I've been through, I'd do it over and over again in my next incarnation-to find my way in my soulmate’s arms and kisses until one day fate would keep us apart. I’d never waste a single moment and never let that someone pass by. It would be the same feeling that would keep my heart beating. It would be the same reason that would paint smile on my lips. And that someone will always be in my thoughts and my dreams. Now, I think, that justifies the intensity of love I am feeling for the rest of my days.

We could have more than one soulmate in our lives and that would make things complicated because it would cause tears and heartbreak. Nevertheless, once you think you found them, cherish that someone and never let time pass without telling them everything that you feel. Whether their making you smile, angry, happy, loved... We don't want to wait another lifetime or incarnation to tell them exactly what we feel for them and what they are making you feel.

"But how will I know who my soulmate is? she asks.
By taking risks. By risking failure, disappointment, disillusions, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end." P. Coelho.

How do you come back from a goodbye?

2009-10-11T15:07:00.002+08:00

The answer to my own question, I guess, is to come home to where your heart truly belongs. Though I've been places and tried exploring my dreams, it often leads me back to where I started, to where my feelings are deeply rooted.

So, I guess, I'm coming back home.

It's time to say goodbye

2009-02-28T18:54:00.001+08:00

I'm not even sure if I am ready to do this.

It's the hardest thing to do.

Saying goodbye.

To something I cherished the most.

But I need to leave some painful things behind.

-------------------

Alright.

Enough of drama.

I'm leavin' this blog behind.

Time to free myself that has been stuck in a time warp or something.

Time to leave all this shit behind.

Time to free myself from a painful event and move forward.

To eventually heal myself.

And maybe, starting another blog might help me start anew.

And I'm off...

To Neverland

Your Hor(ror)oscope for today

2009-02-17T16:59:00.004+08:00

my astrological prediction today says:
Sagittarius (nov 23-dec 22)
"You can dance off into an unknown future, or you can continue to be in a pitched battle with the past. The Moon in Scorpio is suggesting that emotions have to be felt to be shed. Get in touch with your feelings. They are the light."

...and it got me thinking:what the hell?!

25 Random things about me

2009-02-11T17:02:00.005+08:00

...coz i had nothing else to do with my life these past few days, like pretending to be too preoccupied with my desperate attempt to try drawing/painting, in which I produced nothing Picasso, da Vinci or van Gogh would approve, i ended up making this random list i read every where i might as well make one myself.

1 I am a nyctophobic (nyctophobia-fear of darkness)
2 I believe I am special but I doubt my own self most of the time.
3 I was in grade school when I had my first girl crush
4 ...and I never got over with my infatuation to women
5 I always wanted to be a stage actress.
6 I think I suck in writing.
7 I am a huge Mariah Carey fan. Period.
8 Never in my student life (grade school, high school, college) that my father wasn't called in to the principal's office.
9 I love photography.
10 I won 2 monologue awards in high school.
11 I'd rather watch Desperate Housewives than Discovery Channel. Ha, ha.
12 I had spent 30 minutes in 'jail'
13 ...for stealing a facial cream. Dammit.
14 I used to be a bully in grade school. Ain't proud of it.
15 I don't have a lot of friends
16 ...but I consider those few as my best friends.
17 My friends are equally important as my family
18 It was in third year highschool that I first got drunk.
19 I was crying when I first had my cigarettes in 3rd year high school.
20 ...'coz I realized I broke someone's heart.
21 I got extreme mood swings..
22 I was on the edge of trying drugs in high school because one of my then BFF said it was effective to lose weight. Glad I never did.
23 I am a shy person, really.
24 I daydream. A lot.
25 I have a soft spot for pooches. And I miss my dogs soooo much.

Just a Dream

2009-02-11T06:04:00.002+08:00

whispering words
into my ears
saying you'll never leave me
seems so real
but then
i woke up
damn,
T'was just a dream

My 2008 People of the Year

2009-01-15T17:34:00.021+08:00

My 2008 was one heck of a roller coaster rush. Full of bumps, turns and killer loops I almost thought I wouldn't survive that year I needed more than restrainers to keep myself from free falling.

I was all too blinded by my fears and deafened by my own screams I never realized I shared the same ride with those people I held close to my heart. They were there all along and I could never imagine going through all those strife had they not made me realize it was just one of those rides in life you'd have to try and as soon as it's done, you'd get the feeling that it was worthy trying you might want to have another go again.

So, this is my way of hugging these people who never left my side. I know they will share with me an endless ride and my gratitude will forever be theirs.

MY DAD He and I were a constant companion in the last 8 months of last year and I could never forget the day when he called me at work asking if I were fine because I didn't had my dinner the night before that. I was too emotionally tired at that time I went straight to bed from work. So, when he called from his work and asked if everything was fine, it made me teary-eyed for he made me feel that he's there and will always be. Thanks, dad.

Our three princess For me, they are like the Disney princess and how I wish they'd stop growing up.
But more than anything, KC, Chai and Xyrene will always be the princess of my heart and whether they realize it or not, they are the ones who keep my feet on the ground and I will do anything to give them what they need. They were my inspiration throughout of the 2008 and I can't wait to be with them soon.

Kristel My pare. I met her more than four years ago and since then I wanted to befriend her. But it wasn't until a year ago that a tragedy brought us closer together. Too bad I have to be away so soon when our friendship is starting to blossom. I would want to hang out more with her, whether we would just sit and have coffee elsewhere of just anywhere to talk about anything. But even though I'm like, thousand miles away, she never left my mind and I always think of her. Last year, when I was all messed up, she helped me straighten myself I could almost feel her slapping me hard to wake me up from the glaring truth this mean life could ever give. I know it took her a lot of patience to listen to my endless ramblings and drama and I couldn't thank her enough for that. I so love her and it is a great privilege to be her friend and she'd be the first person I'd want to see when I come home soon.

Ate Malou I used to fear her presence. It's like, I could never please someone like her whom I met some three years ago while laughing her guts out from of my silly jokes. Imagine, she laughed so hard as if we knew each other for so long but I still feared her presence? Anyhow, I got past it when I knew the real person behind this strong woman. She's the most understanding and kind friend despite that seeming threat of strong personality she seems to carry with her everywhere she goes. Last year, the moment I heard her voice at the other end of the line, I cried bucket of tears while complaining to the world but she patiently listened and told me to just hang on. She's the kind of friend who got her own heaps of problems but she will first attend to yours then will later silently cry beside herself to face her own reality. For that, I will forever look up to her.

Shezhad My secret crush. Haha. Who wouldn't have a crush on him? He's tall, dark, and handsome. Not to mention a sparkling white teeth and a gaze you feel you'd melt where you have been standing. But before you think I'd start giddy feelings about this man from India, Shez is my best friend. I met him at work. He is one sweet guy and he constantly reminded me that all my problems would end as soon as I stop thinking about them and start living my life. I love his company and you'd think we're both a nutcase when you hear our silly jokes to one another. He's cool and I love him because he makes sure he'd see me smile whenever I start to wear a long face.

Imran I call him Rocko. He is from Pakistan. I don't know him personally. We just met here in blogspot last year. He came across one of my entries here which had quite a similarity on his own and since then on, we became friends. He made me cry one day for praising all my hard work to defy all the odds of life but all the while, I ask for his advice on how to face the messy truth of breakups. I think he's the one helping me defy the odds because of the things he told me, all the things he's gone through because it made me realize I don't have the right to complain when there are a lot more worse case than my own failures.

Tonet Six years ago, I thought I was strong enough to face everything. But you made me even stronger. You are the reason I learned how to love, to break my own barrier, to trust myself, to love even more the people around me. You made me realize my gift and use it to make myself happy and the people around me. You taught me to learn from my mistakes and make up for them and don't give a darn to the people who are putting me down. What live might have been if I hadn't met you, I wouldn't know. But I'm glad we did.

Angelo and Sheryl They are the funniest thing God had given me I will strain my stomach forever for laughing so hard every time we three are together. I so love them and missed them. I could never thank them enough for the effort of still making me laugh despite the hard times I had here without them.

>>>Also to include in my People of the Year list are Ace, who never left my heart and I have always remembered. To Nanay Letty who was my source of strength for she always have prayed for me every single day, to Shobna who held my hands and cried with me when I came to work one morning crying, to Malor who became my strength, and to Reuben who became a good friend all the way through the heartache. Thank you, guys.

A 5-minute affair

2009-01-12T17:45:00.003+08:00

He held her hands
talked so sweet
pulled her a bit closer
and start kissing her soft cheeks
She tried to resist
but he's too swift
He breathe on her neck
she felt ticklish
from his unshaven face
two minutes later,
she lost her virginity
to a total stranger

untitled post

2009-01-09T18:52:00.004+08:00

what is a hug,
without your own welcoming arms and chest?
what is food,
without someone to share it with?
what are friends,
without them listening to my worries?
what is love,
without letting it fly away?
what is forgiveness,
if you won't forgive yourself first?
what is a kiss,
if it meant just to deceive?
what is today,
if we don't start living
the life we deserve?

Tapos na ang kahapon

2009-01-01T09:41:00.003+08:00

2009 na pala.

Hindi ko napansin na natapos na naman pala ang isang taon- na muli'y may panibago na namang aabangan, panibagong panimula, panibagong pag-asa. Panibagong taon pagkatapos ng isang nagdaan na puno ng mga pangyayaring mahirap paniwalaan pero parang bagyong sinalanta ang aking pagkatao. Na para bang umambon muna ng biyaya sa mga unang buwan bago unti-unting namuo ang malalakas na hangin saka bumagsak na parang mga tagak ang ulan habang sinandya ko pa yatang iwan ang aking payong-nagpakabasa at sinalo ng buong-buo ang bawat hampas ng hangin at saksak ng ulan.

Bagong taon na. Marahil mas ginusto kong isulat ang mga pangyayari ng nagdaang taon sa unang araw ng 2009 dahil mas madali nang balikan ang masalimuot na nakaraan sa mga unang bakas ng liwanag ng kinabukasan.

Sabi nila, mabilis lang ang panahon. Pero kapag dumating ang problema, parang tumitigil ang oras. Para bang hindi gumagalaw ang mga kamay ng orasan at nananatiling nakalugmok ka sa kawalan at tanging luha at pighati ang tangi mong kasama.

Ngunit kapag bumuhos naman ang saya ay saka naman napakabilis dumaan ng oras. Na gusto mo pang namnamin lahat ng tagumpay at saya pero bago mo pa tuluyang masimot ang lahat ng tawa ay biglang kinabukasan na, tapos na ang saya, balik na sa problema.

Ganyan ang aking naging kahapon. Puno ng saya ngunit sa bawat halakhak at ginhawa, naging kapalit nito ay dugong luha, walang kapantay na sakit, walang kasing-pait na katotohanang tanging Diyos na lamang ang makakapagpaliwanag kung bakit nangyari ang lahat.

Ngunit dahil pinabagal ng pighati ang oras ng buhay ko, nabigyan ako ng pagkakataong unawain ang sitwasyon na kinalugmukan ko. Inunawa ko ang bawat pangyayari, mga taong sangkot, maging ang mga sarili kong aksyon para lamang mas lalong maintindihan kung bakit nangyari ang mga bagay na hindi ko hinangad na mangyari. Habang pinag-aralan ko ng husto ang mga bagay na nagpahina sa akin, habang natuyo ng husto ang mga luha, habang abala sa pagduduro ng mga daliri kung sino ang may kasalanan at maging Diyos ay binulyawan, napagtanto kong pinalaya na ako, nakilala ko ng husto ang mga kaibigan ko, at higit sa lahat, natuto ako.

Kalayaan. Ito ang hinangad ko ng husto sa mga taong nakalipas. Hinangad kong makalaya na sa dati kong trabaho dahil pakiramdam kong nawalan na ng gana ang puso, isip at daliri ko para ituloy pa ang pagsusulat. Hinangad kong maging malaya sa bansang kinagisnan hindi dahil gusto ko na itong talikuran, kundi dahil gusto kong suungin ang panibagong laban na alam kong mag-aangat ng buhay ko at mga tao sa paligid ko. Hinangad kong maging malaya sa rehas na para bang kinulong ko ang sarili kong pagkatao ngunit laging hinahanap na kulang, na maging ako'y hindi na kayang punan ang sarili kong mga pagkukulang.

Kaibigan. Mabibilang ko lamang sila sa mga daliri ko. Isa pa nga sa kanila ay kinutya na kakarampot lamang ang mga kaibigan kaya't nagkaroon ako ng inggit na sana'y daan-daan ang mga kaibigan ko. Pero sa totoo, kahit iilan lamang ang mga ito'y sila ay tunay na mahal ko. Kaya noong mga panahong binabagyo ako, sila ang tanging naging sinag habang napakadilim ng paligid ko.

Natuto ako. Hindi pala masasagot ng bisyo ang bawat problemang lumulunod sa isip mo. Noon, pilit kong pinapahirapan ang atay ko sa tuwing nagkakaproblema ako. Pero natuto akong harapin ang problema. Sobrang sakit pala kung walang katulong na serbesa pero mas madali pa lang maintindihan ang bawat problema kung malinaw ang isip, hindi lumulutang sa ulap, walang usok sa hininga. Natuto akong makipag-usap sa Diyos. Natutunan kong unawain na may hangganan ang bawat simula, na kailangang magparaya, mas magmahal ng husto kahit walang kapalit... Natutunan kong makinig sa bulong ng Diyos, tanggapin ang katotohanan kahit gaano pa kasakit sa dibdib, manatiling nakatayo sa gitna ng delubyo... Napakaraming aral ang ibinigay ng taong ito na tanging pasalamat ko na lamang dahil ito'y pinagdaanan ko.

2009 na. Tiyak mas marami pang darating na supresa, maging ito'y ligaya o problema. Nawa'y mahanap nating lahat ang tunay na ligaya at makuha ang tunay na tatag at pasensya sa darating na mga problema.

Salamat sa lahat ng naging parte na aking nagdaang taon. Manatili sana tayong magkakasama sa mga darating pang panahon.

Mistletoe Kiss

2008-12-25T05:07:00.005+08:00

Just when I thought
I would be empty,
as Mr. Grinch's heart has a hole
That I will not enjoy my favorite season,
you came along
And kissed me under the mistletoe.

"Your prayer is finding its way to God. If suitable it will be posted in 1-3 days."

2008-12-20T19:28:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

I just turned 26 today.

Weird. I used to feel so excited even as the December's chill creep unto my spine. It was something I really feel when Christmas breeze starts as early as September. Well, that was back home. Back home where I get to see all my friends, hear every Christmas carols playing everywhere even deaf could hear it, feel the spirit of the holiday season. So, you know very well that for me, December is a festive season because I get to celebrate my birthday five days before the world celebrate Yours.

So, now I'm here. Thousand miles away from my friends and some of my siblings. I didn't get the feeling of my birthday coming until one day before it because I started to feel so sad, so empty. Do I have to celebrate my birthday? Is it really a 'Happy' birthday for me? I was almost teary-eyed when I realized I don't feel like celebrating my favorite season and my favorite day 'coz it'd be too hypocrite to even pretend to be happy.

Maybe I don't feel anything at all, if you'd ask me. I've been risen from dead and since then, I feel numb. December is the last month of the year and I don't know what happened to the previous 11 months because it seems a blur I didn't get the chance to understand what had really happened there.

I thought I started the year right. But as the days drag on, one thing lead to another and the next thing I know I'm here in another country I barely know but will eventually my second home. I miss my friends. I missed that used-to-be special someone. And then the world went crashing down right at the middle of this bloody year I couldn't believe that would be the price I have to pay for trying to be at least something useful so I could help that person's family: help them away from hell and start a blissful life I dream of them having. But I wasn't given too many chances to prove how much I could do, how much I could be strong, how much I could love. So since then, You know, I'm never been the same.

But You know what? You almost got me there. You made me feel for a second that nothing special would happen on my birthday and I would feel miserable until Christmas. But lo and behold, You let me open my computer and have me read all of the messages my friends left me and You painted the biggest smile I could ever do on my face and on my heart I forgot all the terrible things that transpired between January and December. Today, I was even greeted by those I don't even know or even met. I was more than happy today even though I spent it working, running on my foot and managing 5 people on a busy schedule. Just when I thought I would be crying my arse off most of 24 hours of today, You made me so happy by surrounding me with these great people called family and friends and not one person could ever ruin my special day and my favorite month.

So, once again, I'm thanking You. You are really something up there I don't know how You do it but it works for me.

I guess my year wouldn't end bad at all. Because You've made me learn a lot of lessons that came through buckets of tears, million cuss words, even came to the point of complaining everything to You. But I can feel all Your grand plans for me even I'm all too busy sinking myself into misery.

Thank you for another year of my life. I owe you big time.

Love,
Sarrah

...because all songs remind me of you

2008-12-12T16:54:00.003+08:00

"'Coz letting love go is never easy
But I love you so
that's why I set you free
I know someday,
somehow
I'll find a way
To leave it all behind me
I guess it wasn't meant to be but baby...
Before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listening 'coz it's true
You'll be forever be in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go
I want to say
I love you"
- Freestyle

Bakit Iniwan na

2008-12-12T16:46:00.002+08:00

"Akala'y ako lang
ang iniisip mo,
iibigin mo hanggang,
hanggang magpakailan man
Ngunit pa'no nangyari na
may mahal ka ng iba?
Pag-ibig kong ito'y
nilisan mo na
Bakit iniwan na?
Ang puso kong ito
Bakit iniwan na?
Ang pag-ibig ko sayo
Malilimutan pa kaya kita sinta?
Ano ng gagawin ng puso kong ito
ngayong wala ka na?
Pinangarap na ikaw
ang makakasama ko
makakapiling ko sa habang buhay
Pag-ibig na tunay
Binigay na ang lahat,
lahat ng oras at pagmamahal sayo
para lamang sayo...
Ang matatamis na mga alaala
nating dalawa
Tanging yan lang ang natitira..."
- Freestyle

Sembreak

2008-12-10T03:07:00.002+08:00

"...Naaalala kita
Ilang bukas pa ba
Bago tayo ay magkita?
Ako'y naiinip na
Bawat oras binibilang
Sabik na masilayan ka"
- E-Heads

Monday Blues

2008-12-01T17:22:00.003+08:00

Sullen thoughts
Clouds my mind
I am being foolish,
I am being ignored
How could I ever forget you?

I am smiling
But something inside is always crying
I have all my ways to forget you
But I have kept so much memories
Like a web spun endlessly round and round

When I feel like dying,
my feelings always revive me to life
It might take a lifetime of heartbeats
to finally forget you
I can't stop loving you

I count the days,
the hours,
the minutes that passed
Until I reached that second
that will bring me closer to you

Thank you

2008-11-26T01:46:00.002+08:00

There was a time when I stopped believing,
But you came and changed everything
Thank you

Once, I thought I will never be anything
But you helped me to never stop dreaming
Thank you

When I thought I failed them as much as I failed myself
You held my hand and told me I make you proud
I can't thank you enough

When I couldn't even find the courage to walk
You lead the way even I stumble and fall
Thank you

You gave me love, you gave new meaning to life
And now you're gone,
I still know how to love,
and I will never stop believing the meaning of life
Thank you

Yes, I am

2008-11-24T01:31:00.002+08:00

This song rings true to me.

Alicia Keys' Superwoman from her As I Am cover.

what's my worth?

2008-11-14T17:40:00.000+08:00

This has been the question I have yet to have a clear answer. As far as I can recall, I've been questioning my worth since I was a little kid. It's because back then, I felt nothing but a bastard who would do nothing good but wait until I'm bruised to death by my own mother's beatings. I felt I'm not good at all I don't fit anywhere-not even in my mother's wallet where she kept our family picture but mine. Yeah, how could you call that 'family' when I'm not even there to complete the picture. So there, what's my worth?

As I grew up, I always try to find my importance in this world. I started to work my way to have my father's attention and to get my siblings sympathy because I needed it. I needed to be loved, to feel that I belong. I grew up isolated from my brother and sisters and I barely see my father every day so and when I got the chance to finally bond with them I felt great and slowly, after so many years, I felt I'm something worthy. Because I got family. I got the biggest family in our neighborhood because of my three other sisters and only brother. We could start a basketball team, really. I felt so proud of them. And I felt proud I'm one of them. That's when I found my value.

Outside home, I didn't stop finding answers to my own question. My own value. I tried befriending my schoolmates, seatmates, my teachers... It wasn't easy. People never liked me. I was too young to notice it then but looking back, God! Even my own teachers loathed me because I was such a very, very bad, trouble-maker, attention-seeker or whatever child I were they couldn't find a single word to describe me but they just simply wanted me out of their classes, really. So much for finding my worth I messed it all up I had been a cancer of one Catholic school they had to find a cure-kick me out.

But really, this question sprung back to mind when I thought of the people who hurt me. I felt rejected my whole life, to be truthful. I can't even name a best friend because most of the time I was just the one who would assume this certain person is my best friend but I am not that person's best friend. So for quite sometime I assumed that I'm never worthy to be anybody's bestfriend.

Anyway, when I was dumped some three months ago by my best friend and my great love, that's the ultimate rejection ever it crushed my heart, burned my soul, all my insecurities came back to life and I felt so worthless I even contemplated of suicide. I don't know. I just want to die. I wanted to die because now I know I'm not worth of any body's love, care, or whatever. I can't stand the pain I'd rather die than to see my great love be with somebody else. And to that other woman who never thought any of my worth so she didn't had second thoughts of hurting me even though I loved her as a friend. It was a bad thought, really. But maybe when you're at your lowest point and you sink deeper and deeper in your own misery, you feel like dying and maybe dying is the only way so you'd know if you're worth it-you'd see who would shed tears for you, who would come to your wake every night, who would say prayers for your soul... It maybe too late to see your worth but for me, maybe that's the only time I'd get to see my true worth.

Good thing I chose to stay alive, to continue breathing, to continue finding answers to my question. I know I'm worthy. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am. I know I will find my worthy someone one day. I expect to be worthy to someone. I just hope that I am still worthy to be loved.

And I hope there are people out there who believes I'm still worthy.

I love you, friend

2008-11-12T17:36:00.003+08:00

My friends makes my world go round. Well, my family and friends makes my whole life. They complete me. They are my heart, my soul, my identity. I wouldn't survive this mean world without them. And when one of them is crippled either with sickness or whatever pain this life gives them, my heart breaks into a million pieces I'd rather have the torture than see or hear them cringe in pain.

I can't handle my emotions well, really. But when I see my friends either confused, hurt, sad, or whatever, I get angry. My heart beats twice in a second it hurts my chest I'd want to smack the source of their pain. I am more than willing to do the damage myself than see them like that. I so love my friends I would back them up whatever it takes.

So to you my friend, I love you. I will never, as long as I am alive, will let anyone try to hurt you. I hope you get that.

Difference between giving up and letting go

2008-11-04T17:36:00.004+08:00

Dated 11/14/07

"It is not destiny that determines love, it is a choice... Our so-called destiny is a lie. Relationships last long not because they're destined to last long... Relationships last long because two people made a choice-to keep it, to fight for it, and to work for it... Meanwhile other relationship fail not because they're destined to fail, they failed because one of the two or both, made a choice-to set each of the other free..."

I still want to fight for it, for what we had, please fight with me.
(signed by you)

...
...
...

And you made a choice.

...
...
...

I just want you to know that I was willing to fight for you then. That no matter how it hurts, I was more than willing to fight for something I ain't even sure what was it I was fighting for-if there's still anything to fight for. But as any fighter would feel, one would give up a fight knowing it would lead nowhere but to further destruction, hurt, sure defeat, humiliation. But I tell you- I never gave up. I've let go. I have yet to understand the true meaning between giving up and letting go but I think you gave up out of exasperation while I've let go because I realized I am not making you happy in any way and it's just better to let you be happy where you wanted to be. I've let go because I came to realize that after all those years, we are never meant to be.

I know you sacrificed enough to get us where we were but I never thought that one day you will just surrender out of confusion, or whatever your reason maybe. I loved you and I sacrificed all those feelings I had for you and watch you fly away with every words you said. It was hard at first but knowing how much I loved you, I've let go to make you happy while I feel misery.

But don't you worry. I am now happy. I made the right choice.

And I find this so true...

2008-10-30T17:20:00.000+08:00

The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer. ~Edward R. Murrow

Now I can fly

2008-10-27T17:06:00.007+08:00

For the past few months I felt I grew my own wings.

At first, I didn't know how to use these, too reluctant to flap my wings. What if I'd fall? One time I tried with abrupt acceleration I fell hard it hurt I don't want to try it again. I'd rather sit here and watch the others hover, transfer from one place to the other while I'm on the ground watching with envy, feeling so bruised inside and out I thought I'm no use at all. These wings have no use I don't want it at all.

One time I blamed the gravity for pulling me to the ground. I want to fly, fly away from this pain but every time I try I never miss to dodge the solid ground it pulls me down just when I start to fly higher.

And when I'm about to lose that last thread of hope, one butterfly flutter by. A magnificent butterfly with yellow and red patterned wings. I watched it intently how it moves, how it uses it's color as a defense mechanism, how it look larger than life, how confident it is to show its beauty to the world. Then I looked at my own wings. I couldn't believe we almost have the same delicate colorful wings. That no matter how hard I fall to the ground while attempting to fly, my wings never ripped but became even more durable, even more colorful to the eye that I cannot help but to start flapping its beauty again.

Once again I'm up from the ground. I flew high, the wind take me higher, and higher. I'm not looking back now. I will let the wind take me where it wants me to be.

They say that a caterpillar needs to die to become a butterfly. In death it bursts into beautiful colors and when it comes back to life it becomes one of the most stunning creatures in the world. I think there's one point in my life when I died. It took me sometime to metamorphosed into a butterfly. I don't see myself as one until one person made me realize I'm a butterfly. A beautiful butterfly who have no other option but to get out from my cocoon and spread my wings.

Now I can fly. I'm my own butterfly.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.” -Richard Bach

Stage 1: Denial

2008-10-24T17:56:00.008+08:00

One of the best advices my bessy gave to me but had to admit that it is also the most difficult thing to do on my part.

"Holding on to your feelings makes you strong. But giving it up at times like these makes you even more stronger."

But pare, Can you give up love and hope? How do you give up feelings like these?

Just asking.

2008-10-24T16:25:00.002+08:00

(Got this from my a friend)

Coping with a Divorce or Relationship Breakup:
A Guide to Grieving and Recovery

Everyone is hurt - whether they show it or not. In many ways - big or small - we are all offended one way or another every day of our lives. The offense could come from being ignored at meetings, ignored by a husband watching television or by being rejected by the one you love. If one keeps track of the daily triggers that ruin ones mood in a single day-we would find that rejection is the core of all major insults.

The reason rejection hurts so much is because it impacts our self-esteem. Self-esteem partly reflects on who we are and how we feel about ourselves. In addition self-esteem also is a barometer of our standing with others. Imagine this; you are at a party and you get invited to sit with the coolest crowd there, which everyone wants to join. Or, you were nominated to be a representative of your team or your company in a major event. This acceptance- leads to a rise in one's self-esteem-or as a good friend of mine put it "Ego massage" and one feels good about themselves- and about belonging. Now- the opposite of that, rejection-has a severe impact on self-esteem, especially if that person impacted already has insecurities and doubts- which potentially led to his/her rejection.

Can we stop people from rejecting us in all forms of relationships; be it with a potential mate, coworkers, extended family, neighbors or people we meet in passing only a few times in our life? The answer to that is no. We cannot force everyone to accept us and hence make us feel good about ourselves. However, what we have to do is to change the way we react to the rejection.

There are many approaches to dealing with rejection depending on who it is coming from. For starters- we need to change some common beliefs that we might have.

"Everyone should like me, and if someone doesn't it is a catastrophe" This should not be the case, because not everyone will like you, just like surely you do not like everyone you meet.

Another wrong belief "Popular people, never get turned down" , this is not true, popular people, just like unpopular ones, experience rejection, however what differs is the way they handle these situations. Popular people usually are more positive and confident, that they do not let rejection get to them or impact their self-esteem, by either returning the dig, joke or simply confronting those who rejected them for objective feedback without sensitivity or feeling belittled.

Moving on, to another major fallacy- is that "It's NOT always about you" Someone might be resentful or mean to you, simply because you remind them on old friend whom they had a major fight with, or because they are about to be fired and are worried. Even if there was a problem with your attitude or behavior, other people will not notice or remember as they are probably more concerned and pre-occupied with their own affairs. By that same token, if you are walking by and say good morning to a colleague, or smile at the security guard at your company and he or she do not return the smile- this may be because they have problems at home, are sick or might have an unpleasant situation which they don't wish to share with you. So have mercy, everyone has their own affairs and worries.

Going further, a major misconception is that "People should have only one feeling about me- either they accept me or they don't". It is natural for people to feel ambivalent about others they are not close to. People could feel neutral towards you- hence, we need to learn to accept shades of grey, rather than everything being black and white.

Then comes the part of over-thinking and over-analyzing encounters. When you feel that you are running downhill with negative thoughts and over analyzing a situation, first, distract yourself, with a pleasant activity you enjoy or something that requires intense concentration, such as logic problems, crosswords, fixing your television…….Then once relaxed return to the problem at hand, and then maybe ask for feedback and possibly even react accordingly.

Finally, if dumped by a special loved one – think of the rejection as a chance to allow you to reinvent yourself. Re-assess the situation, reevaluate the person you were going to be romantically committed to, was it a healthy relationship? Were you benefiting from this relationship? Were you really appreciated? To conclude, another aspect of dealing with rejection especially in romantic relationships has to do with the spiritual side, in having faith, that God has in store for you what is best. And trusting that there are other sides to the person or the relationship- which would have been bad for you, yet you knew nothing about it. In short, the major factors determining how you accept rejection peacefully with little harm done – is having faith in God's actions and also having high self-esteem and loving yourself.

Read it here.

Makes me wonder if I'm worthy

2008-10-24T02:13:00.004+08:00

I read this from one of the chapters of Dean Koontz Cold Fire. This is a conversation between Jim, the protagonist, and Leo Geary, a priest.

Jim: If there's a God, why does He allow suffering?
Alarmed, Father Geary said, "Are you feeling worse?"
'No, no. Better. I don't mean any suffering. Just... why does He allow suffering in general?'
'To test us,' the priest said.
'Why do we have to be tested?'
'To determine if we're worthy?'
'Worthy of what?'
'Worthy of heaven, of course. Salvation. Eternal life.'
'Why didn't God make us worthy?'
'Yes, he made us perfect, without sin. But then we sinned, and fell from grace.'
'How could we sin if we were perfect?'
'Because of free will.'
'I don't understand.'
Father Geary frowned. 'I'm not a nimble theologian. Just an ordinary priest. All I can tell you is that it's part of the divine mystery. We fell from grace, and now heaven must be earned.'

....
Jim said, 'Murder, accidents, disease, old age... Why did God make us mortal in the first place? Why do we have to die?
'Death is not the end. Or at least that's what I believe. Death is only our means of passage, only the train that conveys us to our reward.'
'Heaven, you mean.'
The priest hesitated. 'Or the other.'
....

seven days later...

2008-10-22T02:49:00.005+08:00

Dear God,

It's been a week and no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm okay, I don't feel like I am. I know You think that I've become wiser in the span of those seven days because of the time I spent with myself and with You. If it was enough for You to create heaven and earth in seven days, maybe it's more than enough for me to let go of this pain and be wise enough to get myself from the floor, start a new life by moving forward.

But why do I feel like crying every time I think of all the pain inflicted to me by the people I loved most? Why do I still long for that person when I know they made a fool out of me, made me believe that every thing was perfect but to disappoint me at the end?

Lord, You know how I loved that person so much that's why I've been asking why would You let this happen to us. My love told me that everything was pointless. Would you believe, after six years of being together all of a sudden everything is pointless? My love told me that fate has always been a perfect snoop in our relationship. Makes perfect sense for you, my love. But not for me.

You see, even though we fought a lot, we still managed to stay beside each other. Even though fate cripples our being by finding ways to break us apart, our love was sturdy enough to find our way back into each others' arms. It made me strong as a woman to realize I'll always have you and our love is a perfect shield from all the assaults of this life.

It hurts me a lot, my Lord. I know You know what I feel. You are beside me everyday watching me sink into this misery but able to rise up only to be weaken again. Is this how much You love me? Shower me with so much love in forms of heartbreak, pain, injury, diseases, agony? I don't know where this would lead me. I don't know where you want me to be.

But please, always stay beside me.

Love,
Sarrah

Day 6: Nothing much

2008-10-21T17:12:00.001+08:00

They say that our past doesn't have to shape our future... We'll see about that.

Day 5: Life will be better

2008-10-20T17:39:00.004+08:00

I guess it's so true: Nothing's permanent in this world. We just have to admit it, no matter how it hurts.

Sometimes I want to hope that maybe someday this misery would end and the elusive butterfly will find its way home. But I know better than that. I don't want to hurt myself anymore on thinking of the what if's and what might have been. I keep telling myself that I'm in the process of letting go, of moving on, finding myself, my purpose, my happiness. I talk to myself a lot lately because if I don't I'd go nuts. I speak my mind and always remind myself to shut up if I start to become a crybaby again, when all the hurt starts to cripple my being, or when I start to wonder what they might be doing together at this moment... Things like that. It's bullshit, I know. That's why I'm doing this. I want to write down what's on my mind so that when I look back I get to see if I had any progress, if I became a better person, learned my lessons or just become bitter than ever.

I don't want to forget the feeling I had for that person. I know I never will. I will keep it tucked in my heart. Right now I just need to completely withdraw myself from hurt, hate, and bitterness. I'm inching my way there and I know I will get where my life will lead me. Life will be better.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
--unknown

Day 4: Drowning in my own pain

2008-10-19T17:21:00.005+08:00

Sundays were usually my most favorite day of the week. Sundays for me is relaxation day; spending time with your loved one, see a movie or just stroll around the mall, be a couch potato the whole day, just pure recreation. I don't even like working on Sundays because it ruins my festive mood.

Today, like any Sundays for the past two months I always spend my morning crying. I don't know why. It will start in a simple sniff, followed by a tear or two and after a moment my face is buried in my palms I start sobbing like a child. I just feel so bloody sad, hurt, torn inside. It's like I feel a massive burden inside me I don't want to get up from bed, not looking forward to have my breakfast, my feet is dragging itself from work... Nothing works or feel the same way anymore.

I feel the hurt throbbing inside me. I am totally devastated. Truly suffering inside. It's like I'm in the middle of bottomless sea trying to stay afloat with my tired legs and numb arms. There are minutes when I find the strength to swim all the way to the shore but the strong current of emotions overwhelms me and gigantic tidal waves just brings me back to where I came from and there I start to swim all over again.

Today I almost died of drowning. I just let the waves splash on me, never to care even if I swallow gallons of seawater. I'm just too tired to paddle anymore I submerge myself.

Just when I'm on my last wheeze of breath, a tap on my back brought me back to life. I was actually standing on my feet, completely dry from head to toe, no tidal waves, no seawater. Completely alive, would you believe. And a sweet smile from one of my co-worker/friend told me there are lot of reasons to be alive. You know how to swim so always put it into use. No matter how far the seashore might be, you'll get there. It would take you time, strength, courage to cross an ocean to the shore. But with those in use, you can conquer the longest trench, the deepest sea, or even the icy margin of the Arctic. Just keep your head up.

“When the tides of life turn against you and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lie on your back and float.”

Day 3: There is always Hope

2008-10-18T16:03:00.007+08:00

I was trying to calm all the wrath I feel inside all through this dragging day and it was a heck of a struggle. Not until I came upon to my new found friend's recent entry that finally, the pain that I've been concealing inside in the past days of trying to move on came out as tears. It damn hurts, really. Heartbreak is the worst thing ever. I cried halfway through his short but beautifully written encouragement to someone who refuse to die no matter how life hurts. He might be talking about me and my realization about happiness in my previous entry. I tell you, it ain't easy. It's paining all over my heart, mind, and soul. I always wanted to shout, kick someone's ass or make their-those who broke my heart-lives miserable.

But I chose not to. All I wanted is to be happy. And to be happy is to let those people you love to be happy. That's why I'm letting go. I'm letting you have all your happiness while I find mine.

Each day I try to feel the happiness around me. But mostly when I'm alone I feel the pain throbbing inside me. It makes me weak but I try to move around, get myself busy and would try to think that it's only time; it will pass by. I talk to my friends, goof around with my co-workers, make myself better in my job, email my friends back home, make my father a dinner... I find happiness in those things I do because I know I make other people feel better while I make myself feel even more better.

And I can still be more than this. Thanks for believing in me.

“We lost because we told ourselves we lost”
-- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Russian Philosopher

Day 2: Happiness lies within you

2008-10-17T17:08:00.007+08:00

The day is almost over and I can't think of anything to write here. My day 2 of trying to move on with my life and leaving the painful past behind is not as easy as it may seem. Thinking about letting go of that greatest love makes me cringe in pain, my heart pumps two times in a second and I could feel any moment after that I might stop breathing.

Alas, when I opened my blog a comment was left in my previous entry it almost made me cry.

Yeah, he's right. It's not the end of the world. But the truth is, sometimes I feel it is. The world is crashing down I feel the weight on my chest. I feel I could never feel happiness again because the greatest happiness in the world was taken away from me.

I also read his entry which was also titled Abandoned. I guess we shared the same happiness not long ago but to be abandoned at the end. And if I may quote him, he said, "I guess people die when they have no reason to go on." I felt that, too. I felt like dying but in my mind I don't want to. I still want to see my happy ending although at that time I felt its the end of my story. It's as if a big chunk of my limb was cut from me and my heart was dissected every minute I try to breathe. My mind was freaking out all I could think of was I want to die. Right then and there. Please, stop this feeling. I don't want to feel this anymore.

But as they say, today is better than yesterday. I guess it is. Time heals all things and all of us who's going through this shit might need plenty of time to recover.

So I thank thee for making me feel better today. It was helpful to know I am not the only one who's trying to understand the concept of happiness. Truth is, I find it hard to smile these days. It's like a huge amount of effort to even form a grin because of what I'm feeling inside but I read somewhere that our own smile can be the source of our joy.

I think of my friends back home and how excited I would feel when I see them in the future. I also picture my sisters coming here next year and my heart leaps for joy. My friends at work always tries to make me feel better when they see my grumpy old-self and I couldn't thank them enough for such effort.

From now on I will try to think happy thoughts to forget this misery. I got bunch of them waiting to be remembered.

"Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow."
--Swedish proverb

Day 1: Letting go

2008-10-16T16:28:00.008+08:00

I'm not sure how to start this entry. It feels like two years ago when I started this blog and I wasn't sure then what to write when I decided, 'why not write about someone that I love?' And that's what I did. My first entry in my cyberspace diary was about my love. My greatest love.

Two years later, that greatest love is now gone and fluttered its wings, never to return again.

Now I will try my best to chronicle my own flight. There's no reason for me to hold back, to fight for a lost love. It's time to move on and no matter how hard it is to move forward I know I can do this. I can't keep a butterfly if it wants to spread its wings and fly away. I would stop chasing that elusive butterfly and start the concept of letting go.

This is actually my Day 1 of letting go.

I read somewhere that letting go takes love. Kaya nga siguro sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit, sobrang nakakaiyak, sobrang nakakapanghina. But Dr. Phil McGraw advices each and every one of us who needs to let go is that don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. He added that as long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. I think he's right.

I cried this morning. Cried out loud I was shouting God's name why could this happen to me. Why me? Why does it hurt this bad? Do you have to punish me this much for loving someone so much? I was left with questions, with pain, with misery. I tried to take my mind off this and jogged around the area and was acually crying all the way through that 20-minute routine and it also happens to be rainy morning to rub in the pain I'm feeling. For Christs' sake! Does it have to hurt this bad?!

I know, walang sense on holding on that's why I decided it's time to move on, no matter how it pains me, no matter how heavy my heart to do this but I have to. Masaya na sya. Sobrang saya nya. So siguro panahon na para tapusin ko yung sarili kong kalbaryo. Pinahirapan ko lang naman yung sarili ko. Dahil nga I held on, sinubukang ipaglaban ang wala na palang kwentang bagay. Pero tapos na. Wala ng dahilan para maging bitter pa sa buhay. It's time to move forward.

Tomorrow will be my Day 2. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

It's time

2008-10-15T16:20:00.002+08:00

It is time. It is time to take off this mask. To take off the armor. To give up the fight. There's nothing to fight for. For the last time I will cry. I will cry to start letting go. I will now forget you, forget this feeling, forget that I've known you, that I've loved you this much that I was even willing to forget all these shit you gave me. It's time. You're right. You are not worth fighting for. I fought for you many times before but you never fought for me. You just gave me up. Now I have my reason to give everything up. It chokes me to know straight from you that you are not worth it, that you loved her and she loves you.

It's time.

A specially-made card for me from You (3-2-04)

2008-10-15T15:51:00.003+08:00

"If he has no more love left for me, at least I can show him how much I love him"
-- Cupid and Psyche

Another Love Notes

2008-10-15T04:07:00.004+08:00

Just another Hallmark card given to me dated June 5, 2008

This card broke my heart how I wish I could give you a hug. You wrote here you cried your heart out on your way from the airport to home. You also wrote here that you missed me so much and you see my face everywhere you look.

Lastly, you said that this is just another challenge for us to be there for each other and you know we'll make it through.

"No matter what or who drives us apart, I am sure that I and You are meant to be and we'll hold each others heart forever."

...
...
...
...
...

I was left thinking you wanted us to be there for each other but I don't know why you stopped trusting me from understanding all your feelings. You chose your friends to hear all your grieves and emptiness over me and made me believe everything was all so fine and you always tell me never a day you stopped thinking of me and how you wished I was by your side. You could have told me everything and I could have listened and try to be there for you. I could have told you to hold on, don't let go, take it easy, I will always be here to love you.

But no. I don't want to blame you anymore. I don't want to think of the what if's. It happened already. Nothing's real before but now, living my life alone here without you makes me realize things have changed and I couldn't stop that change from happening, especially your feelings towards me.

I'd like to think that this is just another obstacle to our relationship but every day, it feels like it's not. You made it clear that it's over between us. You now love somebody else. I guess that forever you've always been telling me was just another word, another promise to break.

But I want you to know I'd still be waiting. Waiting until that forever ends and maybe you'd come back and start another forever. With me.

I'll be waiting.

Love Letter

2008-10-14T03:05:00.006+08:00

I re-read one of your cards for me dated April 27, two days before I left. It must have been hard for you to write everything you wanted to say in this card knowing I'll be leaving soon, knowing it would take another eternity for us to see each other again.

On this card you wrote,

"Hi. Sana mailagay ko sa card na 'to lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sayo bago ka umalis. Enough words to let you know I'll always be here, that we'll get through this, yet again.

Mag-ingat ka dun. Syempre dapat mag-ingat ka kung sino ita-trust pero try to reach out minsan. Para matulungan ka ng ibang tao pag may kailangan ka. Be nice. Always greet someone with Hi, Hello, or Good Morning/Afternoon. It will help you warm to them. Be patient and calm pero never doubt youself kasi ako, si Mama, si Badong, si Bok, si Labay, si Chong, si Kit, si Shielz, lahat kami proud and happy for you. At alam namin you'll make it, maybe not in the way that most people would but in your own unique way.

Hay, ang hirap ng sitwasyon natin. Kung 'di tayo nag-aaway pinaglalayo naman tayo. Pag hawak ko ang kamay mo, ayaw kong bitawan para hindi ka na aalis. Pero alam ko na unfair yun at dapat ibigay ko sayo yung chance to have a clean break, a fresh start, just like you did for me.

Gusto kitang yakapin forever para titigil yung time para di ka na aalis.

Sana kayanin ulit natin 'to. Pag nalulungkot ka, isipin mo na lang yung happy times natin. Yung Puerto Galera, Punchline, UP Fair. Sana yung mga pictures na baon mo mag-suffice hanggang magkita tayo ulit.

Mahal na mahal kita, alam ko wala akong ibang mamahalin kundi ikaw kaya kahit magkaproblema tayo, alam ko I'll always find may way back to you, so please always welcome me back.

I LOVE YOU, TAKE CARE ALWAYS. I'LL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU"

...
...
...
...

As i finished reading it, little did I know that tears began rolling down on my cheeks. Reading those last two sentences made me wonder," What happened?"

I did what you told me. I have taken care of myself and has been warm ever to every people I come across with. I always say Hi, Hello, Good Morning/Afternoon even though half of them wouldn't acknowledge me.

I have always been patient and even though there were times I wanted to quit, wanted to fly back home, I stayed focus, calmed myself and went through to what I was supposed to do. Because I know you will be proud of me. I always wanted to make you feel proud of me. Ever since I've known you. Because I'm not as brilliant as you are or any of your friends.

I cried again. After days of supposed to be healing the broken pieces of my heart, it shattered once again to a million pieces. This time, I cried but I wasn't sure why. Was it because of that broken promise, that you will forever love me? Was it because you don't love me anymore and there's another lady that's making your heart beat this time? Or was it because my door is still wide open to welcome you back no matter what? Or maybe I was thinking will there be any way you could still find your way back? Or was it just I'm too damn hurt to numb myself from those sweet words?

Lastly, there was a quotation on this card that says, "Our lives are not extraordinary, but our love is because we complete one another."

With that, you added,

"I without you is nothing
because we together
is a whole piece
When apart, that piece
of us remain waiting
for the other half
I love you forever"

...
...
...
...

My heart was shattered again.

itanong ko kaya sa buwan?

2008-10-13T11:53:00.001+08:00

Isang tanong lang
Babalik ka pa ba?
Dahil kung hindi na
Ngayon pa lang
Sisimulan ko ng
Kalimutan ka

just let me love you

2008-10-10T18:50:00.004+08:00

I was just thinking. A lot of things could happen. In the coming days, months, or even in one year, just like what happened to us. But for now, as long as I can still feel it, I will shamelessly tell you over and over again that I love you. I know it's worthless: You are now in love with somebody else which damn hurts me a lot you'll never know how it feels but like what I've said, as long as it's still here with me, right now, right here in my heart, I will continue loving you.

I can't promise that it will forever stay here because you once told me before you love me and will stay till eternity but it just vanished in a short span of time. How long was it? In just three months that I've been away? Way too fast, eh? So my love for you might die one day. I might forget that I've known you or even loved you this much. I don't want to promise you that I will love you that long. 'Coz you never did. But right now, as long as my heart beats for you, I would tell you I love you. I'm not asking you to love me back. I don't even know if I could tell you to come back. Just let me love you.

I will one day find my way out of this. I love this feeling-loving you- even if it hurts but one day I will forget you. I might let go of this feeling and let you be happy to where to want to be. It hurts me most to know it won't be me that would make you happy. I know I'd be happy, too, one day. I will find my way to that right direction, though I'm still hoping, convincing myself that I could still win you back someday.

But the truth is, slowly, I'm giving up the fight. I feel like I'm in a losing battle. A battle that I alone is the protagonist and the antagonist. I'm fighting for an uncertain love. I'm fighting for nothing. But for sure, one day I will hang my sword, my shield, my armor.

Right now, I still love you. I love you. I will continue loving you until up to that day when I'd realize there's nothing worth fighting for.

message in a bottle

2008-10-09T02:52:00.004+08:00

i have a message
i'm gonna tell you something
i really wanted to tell you something
even if it cuts so deep
even after all what happened
even if i felt i was betrayed
even if it's not the right thing
even though i should let you be
even though i know you're now happy
and i'm miserable
i will put it in a bottle
let it float through the sea
till it find its way to you
i hope you'd read it

it says:

i love you
i miss you
i'll see you soon
i hope you'd still love me
i hope i can make you happy again

in pursuit of your touch

2008-10-08T16:00:00.003+08:00

i miss
the warmth of your touch
moist of your breath
curves of your body
the sweet smell of your skin

i will
forever long for it
drenched with it
imagine touching it
savor every scent of you

for now
i will patiently wait
forever anticipate to that day
when we become one
and feel your touch once again

2008-10-05T16:46:00.000+08:00

2 Love You Is

2 love u is to fear you,
2 cry when your away.
2 see u in my every thoughts,
2 want u everyday.

2 want u is an addiction,
2 want u makes me ill.
Every look I lay upon u,
Makes my world stand still.

2 hear u is a living dream,
Of words I've heard before.
2 touch u is like a dangerous drug,
It makes me need u more.

2 smell u takes my breath away,
I get lost in your cologne.
2 love u is 2 hurt inside,
Whenever I'm alone.

2 taste your lips leaves me numb,
2 hold u leaves me whole.
2 love u is 2 need you,
2 know u moves my soul!

......pravsworld.com......

2008-10-04T15:49:00.002+08:00

the clock is ticking
i hear my heart beating
but anytime i might stop breathing

i can't wait for that someday

2008-10-02T04:20:00.001+08:00

no matter how it hurts

2008-10-01T05:10:00.001+08:00

i love you. i will always love you. i will keep to that promise until the end of time.

remember when i told you i see us grow old together? it never left my mind. i can still see you and me together. holding hands. loving each other. celebrating our life together, the love we shared.

i love you and no matter how it hurts, i will always feel the same way for you. i want to stop loving you. i want to hate you. but my heart feels otherwise. i gave you my heart. i know you still have it. i won't ask for you to give it back. it's yours. its yours to keep. i don't know if you gave your heart to me but the love you showered me will forever keep me warm, keep me forever alive. i love you. i'm crying right now not because of the hurt you gave me, but of the love you gave me.

i will always love you. my future is with you. my life will never be complete without you. i can never imagine kissing someone's lips other than your lips. i remember the days when we're still friends. when we ride on any public transport. i look at the driver's mirror, not to check how i look, but to stare at your lips that i wanted to kiss even the first time i saw you in cubao. and when you kissed me six years ago, i remember i ask for one, two, three, four more. i love the feeling. i always love the feeling when you kiss me.

i am crying right now not because i can't kiss you lips. i'm crying because i can't wait for our next kiss.

i love you. no matter how it hurts.
i love you. i don't know if i can still win you back. i don't know if this love could bring you back but i will always love you.

i love you. i can never imagine opening my eyes in the morning not seeing you beside me, giving me the morning hug, morning kiss, morning stare, morning smile, morning caress. i love you.

i am crying right now not because my morning is always empty in this room miles away from the room we share. i am crying because i miss touching your smiling face.

i am crying. i am always crying. not for the pain you gave me. not for the fact that you fell in love with someone else. i am crying because i love you. i can't stop loving you. i love you. it maybe too late for you to know. but i love you.

If You Forget Me [Pablo Neruda]

2008-09-30T03:16:00.001+08:00

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

truth shall set you free... or just hurt you like hell (a love story gone wrong)

2008-09-28T23:27:00.001+08:00

when every thing seems perfect;
when we almost had blueprint our dreams
when i thought even distance could never break us
you quit

am i to blame?
should i condemn you?
or even worse,
is anybody else involved?

questions
and answers
still
it raises more questions

you chose yourself over our love
you chose to quit instead to fight
i chose to hate rather to love
i choose to let go instead of holding on

pain engulfed me
pride became my shield
how could it happen?
my heart shattered it stings

i love you
you loved me
but all i could think of
was how you broke my heart

you preferred to be quiet
i screamed my pain
it's a lot worse
not knowing what you think

somewhere, somehow
someone will come
i hope it won't hurt again
for it will never survive another blow

i don't like this poem. it doesn't rhyme. it doesn't make perfect sense. i can't even post it on my websites. but its what i feel. not that i often think of the pain you gave me but its one of those days when everything comes back and what happened never made any sense no matter how hard i think of it, no matter how many times i look at every angle of the situation. i didn't understood and i thought i will never understand why all of a sudden you left me such hideous message when you could had just told it to me over the phone or long before when you started feeling 'weird'. i was trying to comprehend every word you said, reasons why you did all this and that. i did not let any of my friends get in the way even though all they wanted to do was to talk to you, get things straight or just slap all the shit out of you. i chose to question myself. and you. but you can't even tell me what's the reason behind of all this crap. i'm telling you this because i wanted closure. you never even bothered to explain in full color what really happened, what's on your mind, what and the whys. i just need to understand but you never let me. you confuse me as much as you confuse yourself. i thought i could understand but i can't. i thought you loved me but you don't. you promised to be tough but every thing just died on you. i was fighting but you chose to quit. what did i do to make you decide to just leave? what i didn't do to make you feel so tired, to make you feel like you're the only one fighting, working out this relationship?
i am ready to move on. i am so ready to move on. but i can't. something is holding back i don't know if its even worth it knowing what it is. maybe you could help me. maybe you could just tell me every thing. i gave you enough time, that's what i thought. maybe that time is enough for you to explain every thing.
then i could move on. both of us. i don't know if you want to know this but i hate you. i don't want to see you, talk to you or to do anything about you. but hate is never good for anybody. maybe i could stop hating you after i know what's going on, what happened, etc. i want to forget this feeling because i can't stop from growing inside me.
please. i want to know. everything.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...

i called you. three times. four times. 10 times. you won't pick up. but my spirit was so up i wouldn't mind if it would cost me hundred of dollars just to hear your voice at the other end of the line. i had something to tell you. i wanted to tell you to come back. love me again. i will do everything. anything. after eternity, you picked up. said our hi, said our hellos. how you've been, where are you, who you with. out of the blue you said sorry. i asked, 'for what?'. for all the pain i caused you', you said. i asked you, 'is there somebody else?' you stopped. maybe looked at the distance, trying to make up another lie. i asked again.

oh, my heart crushed when i heard you fell in love with another woman. with our friend. when did it started? over a month ago. ah, that was when you left me. do you love her? yes. what did she said? that we can't be because i'm tied on you. what did you tell her? that it's over between us? so, what's next? she hasn't given me any answers yet, but i'm willing to wait. i love her. she makes me happy. she's always been there for me. she keeps me standing. she... she... she...

i would have screamed. i would have hang up. i would have cried out loud.

but i silently cried, silently died as you said those words. my room was spinning. can't breathe. i'm all chocked up to ask anymore questions.

i can't bear the pain.

i cried. all night. i didn't know where it came from. i just can't stop. it was the pain no body else could bear. i am speaking for myself. i've been through a lot of pain in the past but this is the worst pain ever. it is paining all over my heart, my mind, my soul, my body.

the truth is... i don't want to close my eyes. coz every time i do, i see you together. when i close my eyes, i feel more pain. when i close my eyes, i see you. happy. in love. with somebody else.

...
...
...
...

2008-09-18T16:41:00.003+08:00

i never thought
you are capable
of lying

you lied
but it never showed
it made so believable

you miss someone
you can still even smell her perfume
did you miss mine?

you tell me sweet words
seem to good to hear
didn't know you were thinking of her

said you were fine
and i gave you plenty of time
still, you left me behind

i know what your friends say about me
go ahead
tell them you're finally free

a day to remember and forget

2008-09-17T17:27:00.007+08:00

the sun shines brightly today
i remember your face
that's always glistening
as you wake up smiling

then the rain starts to drizzle
it takes me back in time
when i feel your hug
never fails to warm me up

as the sun sets down
i get so melancholy
but i thought how we once enjoyed
this God's greatest mastery

now i will let myself sleep
as the stars twinkle in the dark
let my mind free itself
from all the twinge of the past

secret love

2008-09-12T17:35:00.004+08:00

my heart skips a beat
every time you're near
but how can i tell you how i feel
when i'm sure you will refuse to hear
every thing that's deep within

colors of my life

2008-09-10T16:50:00.001+08:00

Puedo Escribir [Pablo Neruda]

2008-09-03T17:35:00.000+08:00

PUEDO escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: " La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

* * *

TRANSLATION:

I can write the saddest verses tonight

Write, for example, “the night is crashed and blue, the stars, far away

The wind of the night revolves in the sky and sings

I can write the saddest verses tonight
I wanted to, and at times she also wanted me

In nights like this I had her in my arms
Kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She wanted me, at times I wanted her too.
How not to love her large, steady eyes.

I can write the saddest verses tonight
I think I do not have her. I feel that I have lost her.

Listen to the immense night, more immense without her.
And the verse falls from the soul like dew from the pasture.

How important that my love could not keep her
The night is crashed and she is not with me.

That is all. Far away someone sings. Far away.
My soul is not content with what I have lost.

As I approach her I see the search
My heart I searching, and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees
We, the two then, are not the same.

I do not want her, it is true, but how I wanted her.
My voice sought the wind to touch her ear.

Of another. Will be another. Like before my kisses.
Her voice, her clear body, her infinite eyes

Now I don’t want her, it’s true, but once I wanted her.
Love is so short, and so long to forget.

Because nights like this I had her in my arms.
My soul is not content with this loss.

This is the last hurt she causes me,
And these are the last verses I write.

2008-09-03T17:33:00.001+08:00

"I am tired, beloved, of chafing my heart against the want of you; of squeezing it into little ink drops, and posting it. And I scald alone, here, under the fire of the great moon." Amy Lowell

Reasons

2008-09-03T16:30:00.002+08:00

I want to know what's on your mind,
what's in your heart
Give me reasons to forget you,
or to continue loving you
Or you can just give me one hell of a reason
to continue hating you
Give me one reason to stay hoping,
to stop myself from crying
There are plenty of reasons you could say
to ease this bleeding heart
But maybe none of that matter
'Coz you've drifted so far away

anger writing

2008-09-01T04:44:00.003+08:00

i've never seen this coming how could u do this all this time you are tired of every single thing i do and now you are free and not even bother to explain why you just dare say some half-baked excuses i don't know if you believe it yourself i used to believe in u and us but after this and after that i don't even know you i think its just lies brewing for quite sometimes and you just had waited for me to leave your side and then wait for a couple of months to finally blurt it out and ask for division you say you are tired because there seem to be an invisible force that just keeps us apart and then you are tired of working us out fuck! you think you're the only one working us out? what about me don't i work us out? don't i make things easier so you won't have to feel the burden of these separation how could you say that? how could you just gave up on us? you would say nah i never been tired of you but heck! what is that all about? listen to what you've just said. it cuts so deep i never know if it would ever heal i hated you and every inch of you after that bloody exit which left me crazy thinking what could have gone wrong when all i do is effort to make things feel better i don't pressure you of anything i just let you be and then you ask for some time for yourself? didn't i gave you all that space for the last three months? i hate you i hate every thing of you and i hate how you're making me suffer alone right now i try everyting i could do to ease the pain but it's always been there just waiting to knock me off once in a while and i hate that i always think of you and how happy you must have been and i hate the fact that it hurts so bad and i hate the fact that we're now drifting apart and closed each others doors and i hate that i don't believe every word you say i hate this feeling and i hate that i loved you because i never knew one day you would just quit leaving me in the middle of nowhere i hate that i cried river of tears that one night and i hate you for i don't know if i will ever forgive you

she's coming!!!

2008-08-29T17:56:00.003+08:00

as soon as i heard from the radio that she's having a concert here, i almost shouted for joy and immediately purchased the golden ticket, haha! I can't wait. OMG!!! I've got the best seat and damn! sure can't wait till December.

Ruby

2008-08-29T16:48:00.002+08:00

i look at you
it cuts so deep
i bleed love

do you see me
like the way i see you?
you radiate like a gemstone

you are so near
yet so far
you seem like a star

as fiery as red
you make me bleed
just like ruby

having fun

2008-08-27T16:39:00.004+08:00

abandoned

2008-08-26T04:12:00.000+08:00

said you'd be there
just a phone call away

said i'm the best thing you had
and missed me so bad

knew we're meant to be
but then you wanted to be free

i could have said, 'please don't go'
but it happened so fast you're nowhere to be found

never even bothered to explain
which sliced my heart into pieces

and when the dust settled
seemed you won't be needing me in your life

you just gave up
every thing we ever had

photography and me

2008-08-21T18:47:00.003+08:00

I couldn't remember when was the first time I laid my hands on a camera. Sure, digital age wasn't a big thing then but I knew I fell in love with photography even though I'm yet to understand the art of it.

And when I did (well, at least, I think I did), I got so hooked up with it I begged my father to buy me a camera. Well, I was taking journalism in college and photography was part of my course so we had to find a way to at least buy a cheap, second-hand one but with a good quality camera. I ended having a 35mm Focal-Plane Shutter SLR Camera and God knows it never left my side since then.

Well, my uncle, who was a photographer then, promised me to give his one-of-a-kind camera so I can use it. He was kind of proud because I got one of his talents and most than willing to hand me his decade-old classic camera but his bloody family actually didn't liked that idea and they would rather see that camera rot in their closets than in my hands, so much to my disappointment so my father had to bleed money to buy me one and I super loved him for that.

I tried to digest the art of making a great, dramatic, beautiful photos over the years and some of which made me proud, and, of course, some was just a waste of film but nevertheless, I learned from my mistakes. I ain't a pro or anything but film photography was a great training ground because you learn how to control your exposures, great focus, lighting, etc., etc. But at the end of the day, when I get all so tired of all those lectures, I'd just drop by in a bookstore, look for a decent photography books and look at those magnificent photographs that says it all. That's where I get my style, my lesson, my inspiration. The heck! I can't even wait to practice and shoot I even spent sleepless nights trying to capture a great subject in my head then I'd put it into action the next day.

And soon, digital photography inched its way and film photography was history. i didn't liked the idea at first but I thought of how much I spend on film and having it developed wherein in a digital one, you just have to have a computer and just plug a thing or two and voila! photo streams of all sort taken from your digicam pop on to your screen and you can choose, delete, edit and crap, you have what you need.

Photography is my life and whenever I see a great photo, my heart melts I can feel the pride as if I was the one who had taken it. Well, that camera my father bought for me was long gone and the camera my uncle wanted to give me but his family has never left where it was, but my desire to own one never ceased a moment or two. I have a point-and-shoot camera with me right now but of course, I'd dream of having at least an Olympus E-520 DSLR maybe. Who knows? My father told me that I can now afford it but if I really have that money and chance to buy my own, why not. Although I'm still a bit hurt by the fact that I didn't get to have my uncle's camera because of some unknown force behind it, I'd always dream and salivate up to that day when I can finally hold my own camera and shoot whatever I see and make every subject come to life behind those lens.

So for now, I will stick to this 5-mega pixel crap and practice, if you can call it like that.

maybe

2008-08-13T15:11:00.004+08:00

what could have gone wrong,
i wouldn't know

what could i have done to make this happen,
i should've known

if i've seen this coming,
i would've been ready for the biting words

if it's better this way,
I'll never stop you

but if you could just explain why, how, and what
maybe now is the better time

or...

maybe never

Pacquiao @ the Olympics

2008-08-09T03:40:00.007+08:00

The 2008 Beijing Olympic Games had just opened its huge doors at the National Stadium in this smoke-choked part of China and hundreds of athletes from around the globe made their to the world stage of the "stun-and-awe globally televised" Summer Games.

I didn't get to watch the most-talked about stunning display of indelible grand opening but there sure is one thing that made me feel proud about the parade of the delegations around the stadium last night.

It was our world boxing super sensation and four-world division champion Manny Pacquiao as he led the small pack of Filipino athletes while donning the national pride on his chest being the flag bearer of our country.

Well, I've always been proud of Pacman every time he pounded his fists on the world stage of boxing. He'd always look invincible every time he conquered another rival, one way or another.

But I couldn't be more prouder seeing him actually carrying our national color in this bigger-than-life quadrennial meet.

it was one heck of a childhood

2008-08-06T06:01:00.007+08:00

When I look back at my childhood, the first thing I remember was how much pain and tears I had to bear alone.

And I always dwell on that pain I almost forgot I was given another chapter of that memory where I enjoyed most of it, it almost felt like I never grew up.

I remember that since day one of that chapter two, I enjoyed every moment of my innocence. I climbed every tree in our neighborhood, learned how to play basketball, played with every kid I met, played baseball, rode a bike which was not even mine, tried roller blades and skateboards, tried so hard to make a beautiful kite on summer days it felt good when at least one of the 10 paper kites I made flew to the sky, played tumbang-preso, luksong-tinik, luksong-baka, batuhang-bola, hide-and-seek (my favorite), hanapang-daga, played marbles, text cards, collected miniature plastic toys of my favorite cartoon characters, made every kind of slingshot to keep up with my playmates who were all boys who never settled for one kind of slingshot or toy guns...

I ran around the neighborhood, annoyed them by ringing their doorbells and running away, climbed their backyard trees and stole all their fruits I almost got myself jailed...

I remember that I always tried to impress my friends that one time I even jumped over our roof just to prove to my friends I can make it, climbed the tallest trees to show them I can do that too even though there are gigantic ants crawling on its branches.

I remember spending most of my days outside the house even my father can't stop me from enjoying those things I never had before.

Oh, that childhood was full of scratch and bruises all over my knees and arms but I never even stopped racing against time because I never felt so childlike in my life.

Now I remember that it wasn't just horrible memories when I look back on my childhood because those memories molded me as I am now. I can look back with bittersweet memories. I can look back and say, 'hey, I've been there and it has never been so easy but look at where I am now,' or even, 'yep, it was one heck of a childhood you should never miss...'

seem so

2008-07-31T04:08:00.000+08:00

Your Emoticon Is Smiling

Right now, you're feeling cheerful and content - without a care in the world.

What Emoticon Best Represents You Right Now?

does it make sense?

2008-07-29T19:41:00.004+08:00

I'm smiling but sure not happy. I miss my siblings, my dogs and my friends a lot. I feel sad but not so depressed because life must go on and there are a lot of things for me to do each day. I am nice but not kind enough to give in to all you want me to do. I have a bad temper and be sure you're 10 feet away from me and you'd be safe to live for another day. I hate serving Indian customers but I have an Indian boss and recently been chums with an Indian co-worker. I hate my job but I work hard every day as if I love every minute of it. I feel so cold but I can't afford winter clothes. I drink coffee and find it hard to sleep at night. I miss someone but can't do anything to be with you... i have mixed feelings about every thing i don't know if i still make sense at all. all i know is i can still smile every day but sure am not happy here...

phantasm

2008-07-24T04:28:00.003+08:00

I had a dream.

In that dream, I'm with my friends, or with my siblings or the rest of my family.

We're all together, laughing, playing, chatting for hours, spending most of the time together. In my dreams I get to hug and kiss them, having the time of my life and everything...

Then, I wake up. All those excitement, overwhelmed feelings I had in that dream vanished in a split second and I'm back to reality--still half across the globe, alone and in an empty room with just photos of them smiling back at me, a laptop to at least connect and communicate to them from time to time and a second-hand radio to listen to music that calms my melancholy.

I miss you all guys. Can't wait to be with you soon and make these dreams come true. Its just three months since I left but I feel it's almost forever since the last time I've seen you all.

To Ace- Thanks dude! Your son is the last thing I remember giving me a hug that feels so real I can still feel it up until now as if it came from you.

Pare- I almost cried upon waking up knowing it was all just a dream. We we're having a great time together in a beach somewhere it feels so real.

Brother and Sisters- We'll all be together soon. Just counting the days.

Tony- I can't put it into words.

Friends- I will see you all soon.

all you need is one

2008-07-07T17:41:00.002+08:00

At this moment there are six billion four hundred seventy million eight hundred eighteen thousand six hundred seventy one people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one. - P. Sawyer