Dear God,

Four months ago. Yeah. How time flies and how it seems obscure to me that some four months ago, all I could ever feel was dying. All it felt like was drowning in my own tears that never came, tiny problems that quietly chokes the air out of me, and every morning I open my eyes, the breaths I take in was like a stab in the chest and I'd yell at you inside my head and ask you why do you still keep waking me up when all I really wanted was to at least die in my sleep if you can't take my life right before my very eyes.

It felt like years ago when I dared you to take me, release me from this misery. I guess that's how human cope with their problem, or should I say, that's how they deal with their miserable lives - they turn to their gods and blame them of what they've been going through and at the end, they insist, on bended knee and in between sobs, to take their lives for it won't matter if they will live in it miserably.

I am sorry for I got angry at you because I was too blinded by those pitfalls that's all too cliche because it would make us realize it's just one of your set-up obstacles to teach us something in the end. But then again, for me, you were just a heartless puppeteer - enjoying the movement of those fingers where my dear life hangs by a thread and they seem to lead me towards the torrent of godforsaken place where my limp self couldn't even go any further. Oh, but there you were, the ever commanding chief, guiding me into darkness.

So, now, here we are. Me writing to you another aimless letter you probably won't read for there are thousands of prayers, emails, or even text messages sent your way that's more or less would need an immediate attention or something. Or if you would, you're probably laugh your arse off, not because you find me funny (although that's what i'm trying to be, or that's how you actually made me), but you're laughing your heart out coz you always knew better. You'd probably say, "I told you so. Just stay tough because something better will always come out of something." Yeah, something like that.

Who knew, right? I mean, not all human are made to understand every thing that you put them through. Some would choose to end their lives without even blinking the moment they feel the torture of just being alive. Some would wait until that last trigger of loneliness before they finally had the courage to press down and drag that blade across their wrists, or swallow heaps of sleeping pills or any drug they think that would numb the pain until sleep takes them into that eternal rest. While some wait, others, well, waited more. Thank you because you gave me that last thread of hope, a last inch of patience, even though I was on that very edge of a cliff, ready to jump off into the unknown abyss that would stop all these shit only humans dare to suffer.

What more can I say now? With all my heart (you can also include my liver, lungs, intestines and my reproductive system ), I am thanking you. I thank you for these overwhelming happiness I feel right now. I thank you for the love I feel everywhere around me, especially, from those people you surrounded me with. I thank you for that person you used to hide me from but who has now giving me that love I think I deserved all these time. I thank you for you lead me into darkness to only guide me through a brighter side of day. Thank you for all those smiles and laughs from the crazy friends you gave me because they've strengthen me to the core and seeing them and spending time with them made me feel I have million of reasons to live this life for a million days more. Thank you for the family I come home to every single day. Without them, where would I be? I can't imagine a life without my sisters who are all silly and makes me laugh even more from my own jokes, my brother who's the very definition of a big brother would be, and my dad who's the force that bind us all.

I have so much to thank you but I give you the biggest appreciation for you gave me the best ever gift in my life - my luv.

They say when you think you have enough, appreciate the blessing and don't be too greedy to ask for more. But while I do appreciate what you've given me, well, I am still gonna ask you for a few more things before we wrap this up and enjoy these second life you gave me.

I am asking you for a bigger heart. A bigger heart so I'd have space for some more happiness and love, and some pain and all the works. What I feel right now is too overwhelming, it feels like my heart's gonna burst out of my chest every time it thumps from joy, love, happiness, and of course, from pain. A bigger heart won't hurt, coz a bigger one could accommodate some more, a bigger one to give some more. A bigger heart that would just beat for love, that just would love and love, and would bleed some more love even though pain is the closest thing next to breathing.

I will ask you for patience. A longer, enduring patience that will understand things, people, their feelings, their moods, their needs. A patience that would help me understand them as much as I wanted to be understood myself. A patience that would make me understand my boss, my staff, my family, the incoming mood swings that threatens to come in between me and my luv since we're too far away from each other and there's no way I would be able to hold those hands when the time comes that I have to. A patience that will keep my feet on the ground, my heart kept in place, and a mind that will wonder to so many places but when the time is right, I will go wherever my heart brings me.

I ask you for strength, wisdom, and stability for the future obstacles again that never seem to give way for a smooth drive.

That would be all for now.

Again, thank you. You are one funny guy up there somewhere. You kept surprising me. Thank you for this wonderful, worth-the-wait surprise. Yo da man!

Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from you ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.

- Gerard Way